He did it.
He faced his demons in the most daunting of circumstances and defeated them. He stared them staright in the eyes and crushed them triumphantly, leaving the battlefield with a smile. It was only then that it dawned on him he was more than ready for that moment. He was just scared. But he overcome it and fought. And he did it.
The boy is now ready for his next endeavour.
He knew this whole time that at some point, he will have to face his demons. And he was never scared of that day to come. In fact, he had always been looking forward to it.
It will be the day when he will be able to sing the songs they used to sing together. Or dance that piece that Antonio loved seeing him do. Or look at old pictures without remorse or sadness. Or make that experimental fish dish he came up with one night Antonio was painting in the den, back in the day they were practically living together.
It will be the day when he'd be ready to have another man sleep in his bed again. The bed that he bought and used exclusively for him and Antonio. After they called it quits on that very same bed, until not so long ago, he had invited a few men into it. But everytime each man dived in and dozed off on that bed, he felt that there was something inside him that he was cheating on. A lot of times, this bed had set him up for humiliation. Once, he had sex with a guy on this bed and, no matter how hard he tried to not entertain thoughts of Antonio, he went soft. He didn't learn from that experience, so he tried over and over again. Everytime he tried, the humiliation grew bigger and stronger, like a dark creature that looked like a worm in its early stages of life and has grown, over the course of a few sexual encounters, into a giant monster ready to eat him up completely if he didn't stop trying.
It will be the day when he will stop feeling sorry for passing up on the wonderful men he went out to date with, or even attempted to invite him out to dinners or movie. It will be the day he will be able to look at any man again without pre-empting the possibiity of a self-consumingly amazing romance. Or even friendship.
It will be the day he can start enjoying the company of their common friends without the need for cover-ups; without the fear that Antonio might have a glimpse of what his life is right now.
It will be the day he will be ready to visit home and not care that he might bump into him; or into any of their friends that might tell him how they adore or loathe Antonio's current boyfriend. It will be the day he will be willing to listen to their friends comparing how he was to how his current is as a partner. And he will be fair enough to genuinely say, "I'm sure he's a good person."
It will be the day when he will realize that all his efforts to get over him, have all paid off. That he is ready to see him and maybe be friends with him.
Today, his demons are presenting themselves right in front of him. And he doesn't know for certain whether he's ready to face them.
He doesn't know.
And it hurts him.
"You know, it's like... all these crazy people in my family are like in this insane frreefall and completely incapable of being happy. And then I look at saul who... has missed his life. Entirely. And I realize how lucky I am because I get to come home to someone who is kind, and caring, and who changes the light bulbs and... Marry me!"
"What?"
"I mean it. I.. I don't wanna wait. I don't want.. I wanna make this official."
"Because I changed the light bulbs?"
"No. Well, yeah, kinda. Because Scotty, that's who you are. I am completely, completely in love with you. I even love the things about you that I hate. Because you make me feel like I don't have to be anyone other than who I am and to me that feels like family, and that's what I want us to be. I want us to be a family because that never ends. I'm doing this all wrong. (kneels) Scotty I am asking you, will you
please marry me?
"Yes. Yes, Kevin, I will marry you."
on the menu --- Keith's favorite Filipino dishes:
bistek tagalog;
ginataang sitaw at kalabasa with shrimps;
chicken adobo;
inadobong baboy sa patis;
and lots and lots of San Miguel Pale Pilsen
______________
with Josh & Nick after the 2pm LK show
with Keith in a tiny red tank top and pouting Antonio
Dan & I with the two Andies
May 10 at the gayest place on earth
__________________
(see the karaoke post here)
__________________
Sunday 10am-6pm
Floatilla
[Comment of the day: "You skinny bitch!"
-to Rye from different fags. Flu virus, anyone? ;-)]
minutes before getting on the boat, without a drop of alcohol in our bodies.
halfway to the Cheung Sha rendezvous.
Miro had changed into what was known that day as the showstopper outfit,
and a number of us had started taking our shirts off,
while some started feeling seasick
the lei --- the official Volume boat accoutrement
having a drink at the lower deck,
where one went if he wanted faster access to the john.
and to the bar.
the floats
the plan was to half-submerge my body in the water for pictorial purposes...
...until we got pulled into the water
Jethro and I starting to feel the buzz.
We had just gotten back from another boat where I was forced
(in an attempt to look cute to my crush for the day) to drink shots of tequila.
When the lesbians started swimming to our boat,
I started teasing the guys, "Mahiya naman kayo!
Mas hindi pa takot sa tubig yung mga babae kesa sa inyo!
(You ought to be ashamed of yourselves! The ladies are even less afraid of the water than you!)"
Few minutes later, with the aid of a floater,
Dan & Gil managed to paddle themselves 5 meters away from our boat.
Dancers. Bakla. Baklang dancers.
Where was I when this photo was taken?
Trying to convice myself I wasn't drunk.
And wondering what the food they served tasted like.
At 5pm, with no solid food and 2 liters of vodka in my system.
And the best triceps award goes to....
But I'm broke. Really.
I need an emergency meeting with my financial adviser.
Steve?
____________
Update: (an hour and some minutes later) My financial adviser is a superstar. I love him sooooo much. Big kiss, Tebs! #1 ka sa puso ko! (Ay, pwedeng #3? Rems & Mai occupy the #1 spot pala, and I'm saving #2 for my soulmate)
I haven't really recovered from the crazy weekend that we had, which started on Friday. And I haven't even started collecting pics from the millions of cameras that were commissioned to document our foolishness. Having said that, please forgive me, my beloved readers (aries twp, chuchucaracas and mrs. j especially) that I can't post YET what you've been waiting for. I will in the coming days, I promise.
Meanwhile, here's a 4-minute snippet of the 35 hours that was. Enjoy while it lasts, until the beckies start threatening my life.
Our boat reservation for floatilla has been confirmed and paid for; Orders have been placed; Shift changes --- approved; Beach towels, Speedos, sunscreens and tanning oils --- packed; Cameras --- charged; Diet is working out right... Baby, we are ready to rumble!
from Disney Gayday 07: Julius, Xiao Fei, Hok Leung, me & Dan
Floatilla 07, sailing to turtle island: James & me 
Floatilla 07 on board the Gay Invaders Boat 1: James, Tony, me & Julius
I am afflicted with flu. I'm quite better now but not yet fully recovered. No longer feverish, but my cold has gotten worse, it has started to affect my sinuses. My coughing fits are more frequent too. Few days ago, they would only happen at bedtime or when I laugh or talk excessively; but now, whenever I try to breathe through my mouth (in show especially), my barking gets out of control. I kinda understand well the cause of this atrophy. Besides that my body doesn't really respond well to medication and that HK weather is weird these days (plus the fact that the extreme humidity level allows bacteria and virus in the air to reproduce faster than I could ejaculate), I haven't really been the most responsible patient at all. Despite the sudden decline of my immune system, I still refused to let my social life lay low. No, no, no. Social life above all else.
Over the past few days too, I've been quite busy with extra-curricular activities. Here's one of my final outputs:
