new year's like never before

I turned on the tv and saw a basketball game.

Last night, I realized I’ve been playing a ball game all this time without knowing it. When I came to know I was, I was already way behind the opponent. I did everything I could to catch up. Everything. I prayed, I risked life and limb and fought with all my might, with my genuine love being my only ammunition. I didn’t win. But I fought a good battle. I didn’t lose either. It was a draw and the game has been extended.

At least, that’s better than losing. I may also lose in the end, or win, who knows? What matters now is that I didn’t go down without a fight; without making sure that my love has been known to him, to my opponent, to the spectators, and to myself. I won’t surrender that easily. My love is too much just call it quits.

Last night, I asked him to spend the night with me the way we did on our first night together; on the night that we were most fascinated with each other; on the night when the opponent hasn’t even planned his attack. He gave it to me. And it just made me so happy. I made love to him like never before and it felt as though it was the only way to liberate my soul. It lifted my spirit even more when I woke up beside him on his bed this morning. And everything felt different. Everything – his bed, the pillows, the sheets, his room, the windows, his art pieces, the shower, my toothbrush, the toilet, the stairs, the couch, the door, even the frame which held my picture -- felt new and unfamiliar, but comfortable. Like a town of total strangers smiling at me --- whether welcoming me, or bidding me goodbye, I can’t tell. Happy I am now that even though I did not bring home the prize that I earnestly believe should be mine, I am content that I earned happy memories. Memories which will lead us to a better path when all this confusion is over and we are back in each other’s lives; or which, maybe, will be my only consolation in case I don’t win in the end. Memories which will serve as my insurance, a revalidation that not winning is not tantamount to losing.

It is the 31st day of December. Things did not turn out the way I wanted and hoped and prayed they would. But I am no longer lonely. I am no longer in pain. I will face the coming year the way I should: eager of the challenges it will bring, hopeful for brighter days; undaunted by the endeavors I might meet, and praying, still praying, that love will see us both through all these obstacles. I still have faith that we will find ourselves in my secret paradise in Palawan on October 19, the day we will celebrate the first year of our love for each other and triumphantly recall the tumultuous path we have tread to get there. To be in that moment of bliss. That will be the day when we will vow to be with each other for the rest of our lives.

In due time our wounds will heal.

And we, embracing, shall look back at all these with fondness;

Capable of loving each other even more;

Strong enough to face life’s battles together, and

together, always emerging victorious.

We shall surrender our hearts. We shall retreat to each other’s arms.

Our hearts one. Our spirits resilient.

It will be a happy new year.

Friday, December 31, 2004 9:04:26 PM

!

this is the last night i will ever cry over him. i have shed too much tears and wasted too much time that's supposed to be for the people who love me truly. unconditionally. the universe has been so kind to me today. she made me realize how important i am. how loved and needed i am. how many people count on me for strength. i can't fail them. i can't afford them to see their pillar of "will to go on living" shatter down before them. i have tried. i have emphatically laid out the reasons why he should choose me. if he won't listen, there's nothing i can do. totoo palang napapagod din ang puso. totoo palang sumusuko rin. i will still wait for as long as i can but i can't put my life on hold for him. i have to move on and grow like i went on with my life before i met him. but i am not bitter. i am not regretful. in fact i couldn't find the strength to even be pissed at them. i know i should be happy that the divine universe chose me to make their happy ending unfold. if this was a movie, i'd be the third on the billing. i'd be julia roberts in m"my best friend's wedding." that's how important i am. tonight, i shall cry my last tears for him. tonight, i shall liberate myself. tonight, i will masturbate till i have nothing to ejaculate. no one else can love me the way i love myself.

?

i don't know what to say. i was verbally and physically assaulted by two drunk men on my way home from a long walk. my left leg still hurts. and my right cheek still feels the heat caused by a rough hand that hit it. but that's purely physical. very easy to ignore.if and when i can't anymore, pain relievers are very easy to find. very cheap and can be bought over the counter.

i wish they made pain relievers for that which is truly difficult to ignore. and anti-hoping pills. i wish that after we talked last night when he told me that his ex kissed him on christmas day and he realized that he wasn't over him yet, there was something i could take to alleviate the pain. and even though he told me he wasn't sure if i could still make him happy after his realization, it could've been alright with a second dosage.

right now, i wish, there was something i could have to make me sleep and not saty up all night hoping he'd come back to me; hoping he'd choose me over him; hoping that last night i said the right words to earn his love again.

or better yet, i wish they designed poisons specially for exes who are up to ruin the current relationships of their past loves. then the world could be the perfect haven for legitimate lovers.

...

Tonight I shall celebrate my defeat And toast to the harsh lessons just learned From a battle just fought. In due time my wounds will heal And I shall look back at all this With fondness. Still capable of loving, Strong enough to face another battle, Hopeful that next time I’ll emerge victorious. I surrender. I retreat. My heart torn but my spirit intact.