How To Lose A Ghost In 10 Minutes

For about 6 minutes, the ghost went on and on convincing the boy to go out to dinner or coffee or some drinks with him. And for about 6 minutes, the boy just kept declining. Finally, the ghost gave the boy a window to say what he really feels about the whole thing. He said, "Isn't there anything I can say to make you say yes to one harmless dinner? Or coffee? Or chardonnay?"

The boy frankly replied, "You know what, I'm a busy person. And I am so over you. Maybe I would say yes if I had so much free time in my hands, but I just don't. And I won't make an effort to make time for you."

Taken aback, the ghost asked, "That's it? You're gonna brush me off just like that without even an apology?"

"For what? For being busy or for being so over you?"

"You're mean," the ghost remarked after a breath.

"I know. I've been told many times," with an overflowing dose of self-assurance and self-esteem, the boy punctuated their conversation and hailed a cab. He didn't say goodbye. He was mean, after all.

Ergib Dich: A Work In Progress

Ayi & Heihei, waiting for my brain to function

Heihei, I must admit,
interprets this feline step far better than I envisioned
(and the boy even has a bad knee!)

the "resistance lift", that,
when the sultry Ayi does, somehow looks more like an orgasmic one.
Can't blame her.
She's a girl that can launch a thousand ejaculations
(even without meaning to)!

Rye: So this piece is all about push-and-pull.
Of coming-and-going. It tells the story of (something something)
Ayi: It's your story!
Rye: Shut up. Take it from the top.

You'll love his extensions.

Ayi pretending to analyze the assisted drop I was demonstrating;
but in reality, she was really thinking how she could cheat the toebreaker.

Ayi learning the basics of rimming.

all photos were taken by Proceso Gelladuga
*double-click on images to enlarge
*images may be used but only if linked back to this page
___________________

A Dance Project

"...His sincerest gratitude goes out to Belle & Jojo for giving him the opportunity to create; and to Neo for their moment of oblivion that, albeit brief, provided him with the inspiration."

-an excerpt from my bio for "Give My Regards To Broadway"

Walk It Out

It's funny what people subject themselves to, before they realize it's not worth fighting for anymore.

It's even funnier what people subject themselves to, in order to find a way out, after they've decided to retreat.

Funny how much energy, time, and self-esteem people expend before they realize that the door is the easiest way out. That they just have to stand up; gather their things: the baking dish, the toothbrush, cigarettes, bag, shoes, and what-have-you's; walk out; shut the door behind them (bang it for more cinematic effect); and never look back. (At least until the lift opens and transports them to a safer place --- the lobby.)

photo credit: Planet Hood

It's over.

Done.

Kaput.
Finito.
Beendet.
Fini.
Terminado.
Tapos na.

Lessons have been learned. My life has changed. Take a bow. You played your role well.

What's Love Got To Do With It?

Dr. L was in his desk, scanning my medical file as I walked through the door of his clinic. "How are you, Ryan?", he greeted me warmly.

"I'm generally fine, except for the terrible migraine attack that I had this morning.", I replied.

"Same side?"

"Yes."

He took my blood pressure and my temperature, both of which registered normal. He then asked, "Did you drink last night?"

"I only had coffee, which put me to sleep."

"No alcohol?"

"Not a drop," I proudly answered.

"Besides the coffee, what was the last thing you did before going to bed last night?"

"I wrote an email."

Trying to be funny, Dr. L declared, "That could've caused your migraine."
________________
One hour past midnight, I received an unexpected sms from a man from my not-so-distant past. It read:

"I just read your blog. I didn't know until then that your contract wasn't renewed. I won't even say 'I hope you're ok.', coz I know you are. You're never not ok. I know that you will get yourself in a better place from here and I want you to know that I am proud of you, even as early as now, for the achievement that you are about to accomplish. I hope I am still allowed to be proud of you. I hope you don't hate me anymore."

After a short, yet emotional deliberation between my Id, my Ego and my Super-ego (with occasional intervention by my alter ego), I decided it wouldn't be too destructive to send him a response. I had already typed my opening sentence on my phone when I came up with a more appropriate way to answer him. I erased everything I had written and sent him the following message instead:

"Read your email tomorrow morning."

My email went:

"Hate is such a harsh word. To hate someone is a heinous thought. That's why I never hate. I dislike or abhor, but never hate. And even if my morals allowed me to hate someone, I will never have the will or the reason to hate you.

I tried so hard to dislike you --- abhor you even. It was the easiest way to forget you. To stop myself from hoping you'd find it in your heart to give "us" one more chance. To stop myself from wondering what I could do to revive what we lost. I tried with all my might. I tried day in and day out. I failed. For despite how horrible our ending was, despite your flaws as a lover, and despite how frustrating it had been on my part to hold on to that thin strand of hope that broke eventually, I still can't deny that you are a wonderful person. Despite every reason I could find to be angry at you, the truth stands. And the truth is that you showed my family and friends nothing but love and kindness.

I may have learned to get over the thought of loving you romantically, and I may not see a lifetime partner in you anymore; But I have never learned to love you any less, and I haven't stopped seeing the beautiful soul you are made of."

____________________
Of course, I knew Dr. L was kidding when he said his last remark. But I just couldn't help but wonder, does love --- romantic or not--- have anything to do with it? My migraine, I meant.

About A Boy, A Rabbi And A Certain AJ.

It was a Sunday, a day for the boy to visit the synagogue and give praise.

Unlike the previous Sundays, he decided to come casually this time around. Dressed in a simple black crew-neck, shorts and sneakers, the boy entered the synagogue and was greeted warmly by familiar faces and the even more familiar scent of the place --- his Sunday home.

While he was standing in the middle of the room, relishing the feeling of just being there, the boy was spotted by the rabbi, who, without delay walked up to him and gave him a paternal welcome kiss. "How are you?", the rabbi asked.

"I'm good," the boy eagerly replied with a smile. But he was lying. And the rabbi knew.

"We'll talk later," the rabbi assured him.

By later, the rabbi meant, after he has greeted every single member of his congregation and given them his blessing, which, didn't take long. Few minutes later, he and the boy started their counselling. Halfway through the boy's bickering, he paused, quite alarmed of the expression on the rabbi's face. The rabbi was surprised. Baffled even. He had never seen the boy so agitated. Maybe it was the fact that the boy refused to talk about it for a while and kept it bottled up inside. Or maybe it was whatever he took that made his hormones go berserk.

"I'm sorry," the boy tried to calm himself down. "I have never felt this way. Ever."

"Because you've never experienced this before?"

"Never. Not with Erick, not with William. Not with any other fling."

He was wrong. In his process of recollection, he missed one person.

_____

They met sometime in 2004: the boy and this AJ.

Somewhere in the middle of "Absolutely Not", while the boy danced in oblivion, AJ saw him. They were in a gay club. AJ was alone, while the boy was with his friends. AJ was quietly sipping his beer in one corner, while the boy was partying like there was no tomorrow. AJ was observing the boy, while the boy was trying to get the attention of the guy he had slept with the previous week, who wasn't paying much attention to him because he was with his boyfriend.

When the music changed, the boy grabbed his Absolut Vanilia from where he had parked it before he conquered the dancefloor and headed to the john. Normally, he would use the ladies' room. He was a VIP of the club and VIPs were allowed to do that. But there was a line to the ladies' room at that moment. There was only one porcelain god for women and there were about 7 women waiting to use it.The boy decided to use the urinal.

The club had two long urinals strategically placed against each other so that if there were two customers using each of them, they peed facing each other. A solid waist-high cement divider stood between the two urinals. From the waist to the ceiling stood a thin aquarium. On one side was the boy, forcing to entertain himself with the fishes, trying to fight the urge to check out what package laid uncovered on the other side of the fish tank. Somehow he succeeded in resisting the temptation. But the stare from that person on the other side of the fish tank was too strong to resist. The boy's eyes met his. And they smiled at each other.

Later on, the other person introduced himself as AJ. They exchanged numbers, and promised to call each other the following day. Little did they both know the promise was unnecessary. Just before the club played its last song for the night, they left together and headed to the boy's home. They didn't need to call each other the following day because 24 hours after they've met, they were still together, naked in the boy's room. The boy wasn't working that day and AJ decided to call in sick. They were mad about each other. For a whole week, they were together whenever they weren't working. The boy would rise at 6am every single day to have breakfast with AJ who worked the graveyard shift. Then they'd head to the boy's and make love like rabbits in heat, nap for a while, wake up in the afternoon, have a quick round, have an early dinner, then AJ would bring the boy to the theater where the boy did a performance from 8 to 10. Then the boy and his friends would go for drinks after the show in a bar that would be easy for AJ to go to on his "lunch" break.

Exactly a week after they met, the boy went to their usual breakfast place at 6:30am. AJ was nowhere in sight. He called AJ several times until he got pissed of the woman that repeatedly answered his call, almost mockingly. His temper was starting to blow but the woman said the same thing over and over with the same, unaffected tone. "The subscriber cannot be reached. Please try your call later." Finally, the boy decided to go home.

As soon as he hopped in a cab, his phone beeped. The message was from AJ, and it said: "I was watching you the whole time. Sorry I can't do this. I get stupid when I fall in love and I don't wanna get stupid ever again. Sorry."

Just like that, AJ fled. The next time the boy heard from him, via YM, the boy was already living in another city. AJ messaged: "How are you?" The boy ignored the message and blocked AJ from his list.

And just like that, the boy fled.

_______

About The Other Version Of The Story

After a friend finished reading About A Boy And A Test, he sent me the following message on MSN ---

Avalo sent 7/14/2008 8:29 PM:

add this: "The boy was confused and was willing to trash himself, knowing it would ease the situation for the moment, but make it worse the next day. He should have known and considered that he has friends, where he could have stayed, just to calm down, to let his emotions go and to spend a night in an environment that would not constantly remind him of the last few weeks!"

Somewhere, he had a friend, his "Big Cat", who couldn't afford to be too angry with him because he thought the boy was sufferring enough already. All he could say to "Little Kitten" --- the boy --- was, "NEXT TIME MOVE YOUR ASS TO MY PLACE INSTEAD OF THINKING OF TRASHING YOURSELF !!!! what a silly kitten! no need to travel in a train alone!"

____________

And the boy gave out his biggest, most heartfelt smile; for besides lessons that he learned, re-learned and re-evaluated, the biggest realization this experience has brought him was how much he was loved-- truly loved-- by the people he chose to be his friends.

About A Boy And A Test

Reeking of alcohol, the boy stepped into the train that would bring him back to the boonies where he lived. He hadn't even decided where to sit when he heard a woman's voice calling his name. It was an acquaintance from one of the parties he went to, sometime in the past. "You're drunk, honey. On a Sunday night! Is everything alright?"

"It is now!", the boy replied with a heartfelt smile. And he wasn't lying.

Things weren't okay three hours earlier. He was upset, frustrated, and feeling a bit insecure. Luckily, he took the train and spent a few hours with his friends, who, by the way, are judgemental, opinionated, harsh, tactless and are capable of slapping anyone with cold, harsh realities when they are at their most vulnerable state. (That's why they're friends, after all. They're the stereotypical "birds of the same feather".) But this time, his friends weren't so vocal about their thoughts. They knew very well he knew for himself what he was going through. They knew he knew how he got himself into all the drama and what he needed to do to resolve it. They trusted his judgement and just allowed him to vent. They had him drink as much alcohol as he needed to open up to them, and when he did, he was unstoppable. And they just sat there, listening --- being the kind of friends he needed at the moment.

When his self-imposed time limit to be a drama queen was up, he was gentleman enough to shut his mouth. Then his friends left. The next rounds of drinks that followed were more for him than for his sadness over the spilled milk --- over the disillusionment; over the bad date that spanned for roughly two months; over the guy that his mom was convinced was "the one". (And it was a herculean task to get his mom to even consider the guy. She was, until the guy prepared the grill for her birthday barbecue, still rooting for the boy's ex.)

By midnight, the boy ordered his last pink martini for the evening. When the bartender delivered his drink to him, he made a toast to himself --- for the lessons that life had been throwing at him since he first got himself into a romantic relationship, but which he kept ignoring, thus making his subsequent break-ups more difficult to bear. He wasn't going to ignore that lesson again. Not tonight, not ever.

He IS not afraid to love again. Or to have another heartache. But he promised himself, the next time he does, it will be for a whole new lesson. Not a refresher of what he's been taught 11 years ago.

The boy sat there on the train, smiling. He was delighted that he passed the test; and was content of the fun that he had over the past few weeks. Although it ended too soon, it wasn't bad at all. It was disgustingly delightful while it lasted. The guy wasn't an asshole; he was just not what he needed. With a clearer head (albeit alcohol-soaked), and his earphones plugged in, the boy sang to the melody that his Itunes played over and over.

"...I want the real thing
Or nothing at all
I need someone that I
can be sure will catch me
If I should fall
Someone who'll be there when I call
Then I'll know that it's the real thing

I want the real thing
To warm me each night
Someone to love me over and over
Making the future bright
Someone who'll be there when I call
Just give me the real thing

...

I want to know for sure
That I can feel secure
Knowing I've found an everlasting love
And once I get that under control
Then I won't let go..."

(Real Thing, performed by
Kalapana)

The Story Of A Midnight Phone Call

"Just know that whenever you need any help, I'll be here," I assured my friend.

"Thanks, Rye. I'll keep that in mind. So far, I can still keep it together. But I don't know how much longer I can do this." He sounded weak, but he showed his dauntless desire to hang on to that little thread of optimism, which was admirable. "I don't know how you do it," he continued. "You go through relationship drama like everyone else but you never fall in the misery trap like the rest of us do. I wish I can have your strength."

_____________

I do not always have the strength that people around me think I do. What I do have, are learnings from the many failures that I have been through because I was never afraid to take risks. Lessons that I learned because I always refused to ever get jaded or cynical. Those that, by being a self-flagellating, masochistic drama queen, I was able to juice out of every single encounter I have ever had --- be it a major long-term relationship, a fling, a blind date, or a one-night stand. For me, every human relationship we have ever had, no matter how brief, can be life-changing because every one of them has something to teach us. But only if we allow ourselves to learn from them.

It takes a lot of repetitive encounters to get used to the drama. But getting used to it isn't tantamount to not commiting the same mistake again. Eventually though, one'll realize that he made the same mistakes because he played the same game with the same strategy. And that doesn't make it any easier. It gets more difficult even; because just when one thought he knew better, he falters again just like before and the heartbreak alone is coupled with some kind of self-doubt. He begins to question his ability to learn or his capacity to live the lessons that he thought he knew so well. And then he commits the same blunder again and again until he is ready to truly be in a relationship that upholds the values that the trail of broken hearts and disillusionments behind him, had instilled in him.

So where am I now in terms of relationship maturity?

I would like to think that I am now in a position where I know for sure what I want out of a partner. That I know just which part of me to compromise and which part of me to not lose. I am in a position where I'd rather go on with my life and not wait for that next affaire d'amour to happen, so that if it never happens, I will not look at myself in the future with regret knowing that I missed out on my life waiting for someone to complete me when I, myself, am a complete entity. I am in a position where I know for certain that not everyone that meets my criteria for judging is good enough for me. I am in a position where I can say I know better.

Of course, this is not to say that I will be less willing to take risks. No. It's just that the next time I take a risk, I will know for sure why I think I should, and not only because he might be the one. This is also not to say that I won't be hurt ever again. It's just that the next time hurt and pain comes my way, it will be for a whole new lesson. Not a refresher of the things life has taught me again and again in the past.

___________

"You'll be fine. And when all this is over, you'll realize you have become a better person because of the lessons this experience taught you," I told him. And I knew in my heart he was gonna be fine. Outside the romance department, he has faced more of life's battle than me. Between the two of us, he is the stronger person. If I survived all those heartaches with my spirit intact, I am sure he will too.

He thanked me for everything I said on the phone and hung up feeling more enlightened than he was 5 minutes back. And I smiled, knowing that I was able to help a friend in need and knowing that I, myself had some lessons to learn from his experience.

About A Boy And His Monsters

He did it.

He faced his demons in the most daunting of circumstances and defeated them. He stared them staright in the eyes and crushed them triumphantly, leaving the battlefield with a smile. It was only then that it dawned on him he was more than ready for that moment. He was just scared. But he overcome it and fought. And he did it.

The boy is now ready for his next endeavour.

About A Boy And Antonio

He knew this whole time that at some point, he will have to face his demons. And he was never scared of that day to come. In fact, he had always been looking forward to it.

It will be the day when he will be able to sing the songs they used to sing together. Or dance that piece that Antonio loved seeing him do. Or look at old pictures without remorse or sadness. Or make that experimental fish dish he came up with one night Antonio was painting in the den, back in the day they were practically living together.

It will be the day when he'd be ready to have another man sleep in his bed again. The bed that he bought and used exclusively for him and Antonio. After they called it quits on that very same bed, until not so long ago, he had invited a few men into it. But everytime each man dived in and dozed off on that bed, he felt that there was something inside him that he was cheating on. A lot of times, this bed had set him up for humiliation. Once, he had sex with a guy on this bed and, no matter how hard he tried to not entertain thoughts of Antonio, he went soft. He didn't learn from that experience, so he tried over and over again. Everytime he tried, the humiliation grew bigger and stronger, like a dark creature that looked like a worm in its early stages of life and has grown, over the course of a few sexual encounters, into a giant monster ready to eat him up completely if he didn't stop trying.

It will be the day when he will stop feeling sorry for passing up on the wonderful men he went out to date with, or even attempted to invite him out to dinners or movie. It will be the day he will be able to look at any man again without pre-empting the possibiity of a self-consumingly amazing romance. Or even friendship.

It will be the day he can start enjoying the company of their common friends without the need for cover-ups; without the fear that Antonio might have a glimpse of what his life is right now.

It will be the day he will be ready to visit home and not care that he might bump into him; or into any of their friends that might tell him how they adore or loathe Antonio's current boyfriend. It will be the day he will be willing to listen to their friends comparing how he was to how his current is as a partner. And he will be fair enough to genuinely say, "I'm sure he's a good person."

It will be the day when he will realize that all his efforts to get over him, have all paid off. That he is ready to see him and maybe be friends with him.

Today, his demons are presenting themselves right in front of him. And he doesn't know for certain whether he's ready to face them.

He doesn't know.

And it hurts him.

For The Boy I Kissed Last Night

I hope somehow you find your way to this blog someday.

Sorry, I forgot to tell you I had a cold and dry cough.

It was fun though. Thanks. And sorry I fell asleep. Too much scotch, I guess.

________________

An Overdue Goodbye

an sms exchange, late last night.

Leo: I'm single again and hurting. :-(

Rye: Be strong. (Sorry, I honestly don't know what to say)

Leo: That I figured since you only talk to me when I say hello first. Never mind. Thanks anyway.

Rye: (no response. I was watching Sean Cody, duh!)

Leo: With that I'm officially over you Rye. I've been there for you and extended myself to you despite how you will ignore me if I don't start a conversation. I so thought we were past all of that. But if all you can say to me after all we've been through is be strong, I won't bother you ever again! For once I needed you and you showed me just how much you care.... Never again, Rye. Never again!

______________
And so this looks like goodbye. Finally.

"And so you know the way it feels to cry
The way that I cried when you broke my world in two.
Baby, I learned the way to break a heart.
I learned from the best.
I learned from you."

-Whitney Houston, "I Learned From The Best"

Taking A Break From The Highlights

an excerpt from a YM window

...

Law: yun lang. I hope you're not that affected by it.

Ryeness: not at all.

Law: great

Ryeness: i barely know the guy.

Law: so it's over?

Law: i hope?

Ryeness: sobra.

Law: buti naman

Ryeness: it was a momentary high.

Law: sabi ko sa yo eh

Ryeness: natuwa lang ako coz he made me feel desired even for but a fleeting moment.

Law: he's good at doing that.. but he can also drop you like a hot potato. buti na lang you didnt have to experience that. medyo naloka ako sa yo nung mga panahong yun eh. di ko alam kung anong gagawin ko.

Ryeness: true. well, i didn't go through all that heartcahe in the past for nothing

Ryeness: i am stubborn but i do learn my lessons. :-)

Law: :-)

Ryeness: as a matter of fact, there are more lessons that the universe is slapping me with right now.

Law: tell me more about those things when I get back, ok?

_________________

Days Of Our Lies

There are mornings coming to work when I'd be just compelled to examine the world around me and everything in it--- both natural and man-made--- would feel new, fresh and pleasantly unfamiliar. I'd see a tree I had never noticed before, or the cracks on the pavement, or how high the water is at Sunny Bay, and begin to wonder how high it was the previous day and how high it will be in the days to come.


There are mornings, too, when I'd just sit on the train and watch people. How they sit in relation to what they wear, what books they read, how they manage to keep sitting upright while sleeping in transit. Sometimes, I'd close my eyes and just listen to them. Then I'd single out the most distinct of the voices and build a picture of him in my imagination, before I open my eyes to look. Sometimes, I'd try to catch familiar words in Cantonese and guess their subject of conversation, or make up my own narrative.


There are mornings when I'd put on my dark sunglasses (even with the winter overcast), set my Ipod to play Ryan Cayabyab's "Dancing In The Rain" album and start reading a book as soon as I get out of the house. I'd shut out the world around me and contain myself in my own little bubble where nobody is welcome. Not strangers, not friends, not even the lady that announces "Please stand back from the yellow line." at every stop of the train. Only me, and the sometimes funny, sometimes miserable, sometimes triumphant characters in my book. These days, they're Izumi, Hajime and Shimamoto from South Of The Border, West Of The Sun.

a novel by Haruki Murakami

There are mornings when everything just seems pale and gritty and sad. When everything and everybody and every activity, including breathing and smiling, seems superficial and mundane. Some days, I so desire to be the hero that would show the world that there's one thing we could make a reality: love --- and it would make a huge difference. Some days, I just don't care at all.


There are mornings when you'd ask me, "How are you?", and I'd say "I'm fine." with a smile. Mornings like this, are the days of our lies. Yours. And mine.

_______________________

What's Cooking?

Owing it to Mamu's electronics and hardware knowledge, our conventional oven is now back to commission. (He is the straightest in our apartment in this area. There was a time when Dan & I were both panicking because our floor lamp wasn't working. He fixed the problem in less than 3 minutes. It turned out, all that was needed was a change of bulb.)



Tonight, as we --- Dan, Verna and I --- decided to stay up late to work on the Christmas video for our show, I thought of utilizing the oven by making Dan & Verna's favorite pick from my "healthy options" menu: roasted whole chicken.



While having dinner, Verna and I somehow got to talk about this certain guy I sort of had an affair with. I asked him once when he first felt he was attracted to me, and he said confidently that he liked me the very first time he saw me; but it was not until he tasted the roasted chicken that he compared me (to my advantage) with his then-boyfriend. That was very flattering.



I'm not sure now how Verna reacted to that story. I sort of drifted after telling her the story and remembered a certain conversation I had with a girl back in 2001. The girl was Lea, a batchmate in PETA (the theater company, not the animal rights advocate), and we were at home that night, having angel hair pasta on pesto with tuyo flakes (the budget version of pesto with anchovies I had put together because I couldn't afford anchovies then). It was her first time to try my cooking.



At her very first bite, she already paid me a compliment. "Rye, nakakaloka sa sarap! (Rye, this is deliriously delicious!)", she exclaimed.



I gave her a broad smile.



"Maswerte ka. (You're lucky.)", she said without looking at me. She was concentrating on her plate. Then after a beat, she added, "Di ka mahihirapan maghanap ng partner. Kasi nga diba... (You won't have difficulty finding a partner. You know what they say...) The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."



"Hindi rin. (I don't think so)", I protested.



"Bakit? (Why?)"



"Because I'm too proud to take the easy way. But I'm also too proud to take the hard way and end up unsuccessful. I will go about my life and wait for his heart to find its way to me."



That was 6 years and dozens of cookbooks ago. I'm not sure I can still say that now without squirming.

Putting Off For Today What I Could Have Done Last Week

First off, many thanks to those who voted --- whether by will or by force --- for Can't You Read? in the G*Spot Weblog Awards. A total of 110 votes were earned by this blog. I am truly, truly flattered.


Special thanks go to Khalel, of course, for the nomination and the generous words:

"Allow me... This Month's G* Spot Weblog of the Month is no other than the ever popular - Can't You read of Rye!Hooray! [...] Can't You Read is a blog I personally read whenever I got the chance. Its witty writings have kept me addicted to it!"

to my dear friend, Steve, for urging (more like coercing) his friends who didn't know of my blog, to visit it and vote for me;

and to Dan, for monitoring the votes every single day. I love y'all!

_____________________

Next up... a meme from joyjoy ---

1. Two names I go by: Rye, Ryeness (yes, believe me, people call me by this name)
2. Two things I am wearing right now: pj's and Paris Hilton cologne
3. Two things I have in a relationship: no answer. pwede ba yun?
4. Two things I like to do: dancing and cooking
5. Two things I want very badly in this moment: lomi and a vacation
6. Two things I did last night: Happy Hour at F.I.N.D.S, bonding with Jethro
7. Two things I ate today: bananas, tuna
8. Two persons I last spoke to: Ryan Lee, Mamu
9. Two things I am going to do tomorrow: report to work, bitch about it
10. Two favorite days of the week: Mondays & Tuesdays (the new Friday and Saturday)
11. Two favorite holidays: Christmas & Chinese New Year (they give out money here in HK!)
12. Two favorite beverages: chardonnay and OJ
13. Two things about me that you may not have known: I was an altarboy when I was 8 (until I was 14); I don't eat cake
14. Two jobs that I have had in my life: researcher/p.a. (Best Frends & S-Files, GMA-7), performer
15. Two movies I would watch over and over: Bridges Of Madison County; Broken Hearts Club (I still do.)
16. Two places I have lived: (outside of my parents' home) Don Antonio Heights, Commonwealth; Tung Chung, HK
17. Two of my favorite food: greek salad, foie gras
18. Two places I would rather be right now: Ibiza, Canary Island

And here is another question: What are the 5 gifts you would buy for yourself this christmas, if you had unlimited income?
1. the whole of Lane Crawford (for myself, not to continue the business)
2. a private jet
3. the MTR Corpoation of HK

I tag Kiks and Ron.

___________________

One more meme, this time from mrs. j
What to do:
1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Copy-paste the traits for all the twelve months (see below).
3. Pick your month of birth.
4. Highlight the traits that apply to you.
5. Tag 12 people and let them know by visiting their blogs and leaving a comment for them.
6. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve done it!


JANUARY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL: Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE: Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY: Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER: Suave (that's what they say) and compromising (to keep the peace). Careful (not always), cautious (not always) and organized (in some areas). Likes to point out people’s mistakes (guilty!). Likes to criticize (guilty! But I try to be very, very objective about it). Stubborn (so what?!?). Quiet but able to talk well (quiet? so not!). Calm and cool (I try to be. Wrong. I always try to appear calm and cool). Kind and sympathetic (I would like to believe that). Concerned and detailed (concerned, only to a selected few; detailed, only in very few areas). Loyal but not always honest (AGREE!). Does work well (patronizing na to ha!). Very confident (confident. not very.). Sensitive (if i choose to be). Good memory (selective. not in dance. damn!). Clever and knowledgeable (clever siguro, not knowledgeable. tamad ako mag-absorb ng info). Loves to look for information (hindi nga diba?! ang kulit!). Must control oneself when criticizing (I always do. I always do try.). Able to motivate oneself (yes.). Understanding (to people I love and care about). Fun to be around (I hope so.). Secretive (not me.). Loves leisure and traveling (yes.). Hardly shows emotions (I try. But I'm very very transparent). Tends to bottle up feelings (when I was younger. I have learned to process them at once in their early stages). Very choosy, especially in relationships (don't we all have to be?). Systematic (yes. but not in an obsessive-compulsive way).

OCTOBER: Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER: Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER: Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Who to tag? It looks like there's no one to tag anymore. Everybody's commissioned everybody else to answer the meme.

Bedtime Thoughts

Long day.

11:15am call time, 10:30pm last show

Warm-up class

two performances

rehearsals

Christmas Cabaret auditions

some not-so-good news from Manila

It feels like it's been forever since I was last this busy. It feels almost new to me. I'm glad I'm more spiritually- and emotionally-stable, wiser with how I work with my body, and less temperamental now than before that I am able to cope very well.


Auditions

One would think that for people who earn a living by performing, like me, auditions would be a piece of cake. Not true. I've been auditioning my whole life and it hasn't gotten any easier, no matter how big or small the part is, no matter how big or small the production is.

Tonight, I auditioned for the Christmas Cabaret, an internal Christmas show for our department. Two numbers: a corps neo-classical piece and a contemporary pas de deux. Jitters, jitters, jitters! But they were the good kind. They kept me on my toes and pushed me to perform better. And for the first time, since day one of the pas de deux's choreographic process, I was able to do the overhead dead-weight lift that opens the piece. It's all over now. They passed by so quickly I barely had time to really enjoy the numbers. We're now just waiting for their judgement. Do we get to show them off or not?


Me, As A Dancer

Yesterday, while rehearsing the corps neo-classical piece I am cast in, my partner, Terasa (an Aussie girl, formerly principal dancer of the HK Ballet) asked me after the penchee promenade if I was comfortable doing it. I honestly told her I was scared. Hello! The girl was en pointe, on a vertical split and I was turning her around. I had all the reasons to be scared! She rubbed my chest and assured me I was dong fine. After the second time we did it, she said, "Rye, that was perfect. I was centered the whole bit."

this is penchee. imagine me standing beside her, hip-to-hip, holding her by her arms and going around her as if the toes she is standing on is the pivotal point by which I bring myself and her whole body around. that is penchee promenade.

Today, before I and my partner were called to the audition room for the pas de deux, I said to Verna (my wife, a seasoned dancer, and then- principal of the CCP Dance School and soloist of Ballte Philippines), "I'm not really sure I can do this."

"Why?", she asked me.

"This is a principal dancer's piece. Di ako principal dancer. [I am not a pricipal dancer.] Never was. Never will be."

"Anukaba! Isipin mo, recital lang. [Just think of it as a recital]", she said encouragingly.

"Kahit recital, pang-advanced students to. Intermediate lang ako. [But even for a recital, this pice would be for advanced students. I'm just intermediate.]"

"Professional ka [You're a professional]", she punctuated our conversation.

Coming home tonight, I felt silly. These were the kind of roles I dreamt of doing when I was with Ballet Philippines 4 years ago, but was never given the chance to do. This time, I was personally hand-picked by the choreographers themselves to do them because they think I'm fit for the role. And I am doubting myself? Where is that coming from, that fear?


Lion King

I grunted when I first heard that I was part of the cast hat would have to stay until midnight tonight to do a special buy-out show for a major cosmetics line.

The show was slated at 11pm, but fortunately, we started thirty minutes earlier. Even then, I was cranky that I had to stay that long and do that show.

When the curtain opened, we were greeted with a thunderous applause from the audience --- something so poignant that I've never heard for so long. I smiled wholeheartedly. Because right then and there, I felt the high that made me remember why I decided I was gonna be a performer.


Rems

As soon as I got out of work, I received an sms from Cielo, La Remi's bestfriend: "Hi Rye! Just informing you that your mom is in the hospital because of hypertension. She's in better condition but we decided to let her stay so she can rest. Your prayers can make her even better. Be well."

I was worried. Instant reaction. I am not anymore. I know she'll be fine and kicking like a horse by tomorrow. I just know.


Ricky

When I felt the first panicky heartbeat in my system, the first person I wanted to call was Mai, my brother in Dubai. But I thought he'd get more panicky so I decided to call Ricky and have him check on Remi. We picked up and I told him the sms I got.

Thirty minutes later, he asked me to call him. He said everything was under control and that he would call Cielo again tomorrow morning. He promised to keep me posted.

Just before we hung up, he said he hit a post in the parking area of SM Megamall, while driving out of it. He was totally fine but the damage in the passenger's side was huge. I reminded him to be careful of his driving. There's too much stress landing on his lap right now and I told him that I hope that Remi's condition didn't add to it.

He sms'ed me when he got home and I replied: "Good night! Rest well and thank you sooo much for still being family."

In less than two months, we will be commemorating our first year of being separated.

__________________________

Bonne Vacances (Manila Part1)

continued

October 26 07.

As soon as I got my luggage from the antiquated carousel, I received an sms from Ricky saying he was gonna be a few minutes late because he got stuck in traffic at The Fort area. I quite expected that. It was a Sunday and I was in Manila. So I excused myself from Rems and decided to move to a less crowded place to have a ciggy. There were no No Smoking signs around and people there were a few men in sight smoking. I thought it was ok. Towards my last three puffs, I saw a security person and politley asked, "Manong, san pwede magtapon nito (Sir, where can I throw this)?" referring to my cigarette butt.

"Dyan. (Right there.)" He pointed to the ground.

It made me smile. Haaaaaaaaaaay! Manila! With the utmost conviction and the biggest smile, I dropped the cigarette butt to the ground. I was home.

Few minutes later, Ricky arrived. It felt a little bit odd that he and my mom were having more conversation in the car than he and I. It felt wonderful that they were able to preserve the admirable in-law relationship I had always wanted them to have, despite the break-up. Along EDSA, Ricky instructed Rems to reach for a paper bag that was hidden under the backseat.

"San ko to ilalagay (Where will I put this)?", Rems asked.

"Buksan mo. Para sa yo yan. (Open it. It's for you.)"

Rems obliged gigglingly. It was a box that contained a 6-inch Buddha icon, a book on Buddhism, and some incense sticks. She was ecstatic when she thanked Ricky. Ricky only replied with a smile that beamed with contentment.

The drive to Cubao from the Domestic Airport wasn't as exhausting as I had expected. When we got there, I just dropped off my luggage, said my hellos to my cousins and to my Siamese cat, Petipa, and started heading to Tita Mike & Tito Augie's cozy antique- and wooden furniture-adorned apartment for the homecoming dinner that they threw for me.

_____________________

Quarter to 8, Ricky and I were by their gate, buzzing them when Tito Eric (Ex Ed-in-Chief of FHM, Pump and Maxim, and is currently working on the Philippine franchise of an international magazine) arrived with a box of kakanin for dessert.

Tito Augie (Palanca Awardee and one of QTV's most in-demand writers) opened the gate and greeted me with a very warm "Kumusta? (How are you?)" I replied with a one-liner and ran to the house to see Tita Mike ( Caronia's Marketing Direcor, who is responsible for its new brand image). Tita Mike's gentle voice (that I always thought never matched her wicked humor) almost shrieked when she saw me as I entered the kitchen where she was making her specialty: Kalderetang Tisay. I never left the dining table after our besos. I sat there, salivating, impatiently waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. Few minutes later, Tito Chito (probably QTV's busiest Segment Producer) arrived, followed by Tito Elmer (playwright and Tito Augie's QTV sparring partner). A few sighs of impatience later, Tita Mike laid on the table a bowl or Portebello mushrooms --- the last addition to the evening's menu and dinner began.

Later on, Tito Blaise (ex Ed-in-Chief of Star Studio magazine, currently finishing his M.A.) arrived with a gallon of caramel ice cream. I joined him at the dining table where we talked about my career goals and my life in HK. Just as he was about to finish eating, Tita Ge (stage-slash-soap opera actress-slash-stage manager-slash accounts executive-slash-kumare-slash-slash) arrived from an event with two other good friends Mira and Cara (stage managers extraordinaire-slash-drinking buddies) and Cara's uber charming kid, Dex.

It was an evening filled with good (good is such an understatement) food, corpulent laughters, witty remarks, intelligent discussions, hilarious anecdotes, stories of disturbing curses, and lots of catching up. None of them ever asked about the Ricky and me story.

I was in that apartment for more than 4 hours with successful, intelligent people who cared not the slightest about my politics (or the lack thereof) --- people who had strong opinions to say but never were too busy talking to listen to mine. They are Ricky's friends --- the people whom I've come to love as my own friends and who have accepted me as one of theirs, no matter what has become of Ricky and me. It felt tremendously good to be with them once again.

I was home.

___________________

At around 1am, the party was over.

Sitting at the passenger's seat, I was asked by Ricky what I wanted to do. Where I wanted to go. I was too shy to say "Take me home." And I didn't have the heart to lie and say "Bring me home."

"Nagdala kang gamit? (Did you bring any of your stuff?)", he asked.

"Hindi. (No.)"

Then he started driving towards the direction of Rems' place in Murphy. The heavy rain poured down all of a sudden. In my head, I was thinking with all my might how I could manipulate him into inviting me to sleep over in Monte Vista. We were two blocks away from Remi's and there was nothing I could think of.

He stopped in front of Remi's gate and asked whether I brought the keys. I didn't. I took out my mobile and started calling Rems so that she could open the gate for me. I hadn't gotten off the car because the rain was heavy. I was counting the rings. Five rings and I would hang up. That would already be an excuse to sleep over. But Rems picked up on the fourth. "Nandito na ko, ma. Pabukas ng pintuan. (I'm here already, mom. Please open the door.)"

"Anong gagawin mo bukas? (What are you doing tomorrow?)" he asked.

"Wala. Yung podcast lang sa gabi. (Nothing. We only have the podcast planned in the evening.)", I said still hoping for an invitation.

That's how it all started almost three years ago. It was around 2am, we
just left a bar in Timog and he was driving me home. Somewhere along C5, he
asked, "Mag-mo-morning show ka bukas? (Are you doing a show tomorrow
morning?)"

"Hindi. (No.)", I answered excitedly.

He unfastened his seatbelt and reached for me on the passenger's side.
He kissed me. I reciprocated. Then he pulled back and made a u-turn.

After a moment of waiting, and hoping, he said "Bye. Good night."

I said my goodbye without turning to look at him. I was afraid it might be difficult to resist kissing him.

...will be continued.

Shall I Sing To You My Lullaby?

photo credit: Tobyotter

This scene is not new to me. Me, sitting here in the dark by your kitchen sink, smoking the last cigarette from my pack while you're in bed, fast asleep. You, exhausted and still naked from another spur of the moment, wandering in dreams, while I, waiting impatiently for sunrise or sleep.


Spur of the moment. That's how we used to call it. You started that, remember? Because you desired me immensely but you were too scared to love me. To fall for me. And that phrase --- that "spur of the moment" phrase that we used, to refer to kissing and fondling and fucking and all that--- absolved you from any emotional obligation.


Did you really think I was convinced? Did you really think that I was fine with that? Or did you know I wasn't but you continued to prey on me nonetheless because you knew that I wasn't strong enough to resist?


You knew me very well. You knew the right words to say to make me want you. You knew just where to touch me and kiss me. You knew just where to run your tongue to make me drop to my knees --- defenseless, wanting, needing --- and ask for more. You knew how to smile at me and romance me with your words after we've both reached our peak to make me ready for another spur of the moment that may come anytime in the coming days. On your own terms. At your own convenience. And you knew very well how to say "good night" and turn away. You knew when exactly to doze off to make me realize it was just that. A spur of the moment. Nothing else.


Tonight was no different. Except that before, I would ask myself why, while sitting in this very corner of your house. Why did I allow you to use me AGAIN? Why could I just not say "no"? Why does the moon and the stars and the walls of your apartment seem to be staring at me; mocking me for my weakness? Why has my better judgement escaped me momentarily? And why do you keep doing that?


No. Not tonight. Tonight, I await neither sleep nor sunrise. I sit here, devoid of guilt or hopes or anything the your fragile ego thrived on. I am here, not wanting to touch you tenderly in your sleep like I used to. I am simply waiting for this last cigarette from my pack to finish. Then I'll leave.


On my own terms. At my own convenience. This time, it is my spur of the moment. Mine.

..