|this entry is two weeks overdue. i'd like to write it still, anyway.|
it was a sunday. an extraordinary one, i should say. because after 8 years, it was the first time i was gonna attend church service again. (my friends couldn't believe it, i swear!) i was with george. and after surviving the earth-shaking year-ender we had, we realized it was time to take the relationship to another level.
so there i found ourselves at gcf, at 6 in the evening, singing and clapping songs of praise along with rest. i have always been spiritual. but i was never what one might call a devout catholic, or a christian. i have always believed in the Supreme Being, but i have stopped calling it God, or Lord, or Jesus, or Father, after high school.
attending christian service that sunday didn't change my spirituality. i just couldn't help but marvel at the way people celebrate their God and proclaim their faith. right in front of us, there was a woman hugging her (something like) 10-year old son while praying. there were men and women crying.
i am still neither a devout catholic nor a christian, but i have found so much solace, knowing that there is still the Divine Good that people still have faith in. It helps knowing this because as long as this is true, we are assured that we will go on living. we are assured that there is still hope for a better world. we are assured that "despite all its sham, drudgeries and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world." (--desiderata)
Sunday, February 06, 2005
|it has been a while since my last blog.|
i saw a play last saturday that fell short of my expectation. i had so much adoration for the director before his most recent work. the experience disillusioned me. but the effort of dressing up and going to the theater wasn't at all futile. the experience served as a reminder to my artist-self to not be complacent. the work that i saw frustrated me, but at the same time, taught me that just because one was hailed in the past doesn't mean he can't fail in the future.
then i went out with george and his college peers to drink. had 4 vodka doubles and a san mig light. i was near to getting buzzed. it was fun. but i thought, i was having just as much fun sober. i have come to a point where alcohol does not spell H-A-P-P-I-N-E-S-S for me anymore. i have found other things to spell it for me.
it has been a while too since i got my last alcohol fix.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Friday, January 21, 2005
here's something i heard from rosanna roces in one of her recent TV appearances:
"you attract more bees with honey than with vinegar."
hmm.... makes sense, huh?! now this is what desiderata's author meant when he said: "listen to the dull and ignorant. they too have their story."
Posted by cant_u_read at 1:36 PM
Friday, January 14, 2005
|after 3 weeks of hibernating, i went to malate last night with the people i usually go there with. there were 4 of us: a couple, going through the same drama george and i went through at the close of 2004; i; and a very dear friend who has been utterly lost for the past 6 years, but has been concealing it.|
it felt great to realize that am back on feet. that people have found confidence to count on me for strength once more. i heard their sad stories, and i too, wept with them. but i know now how to carry on. and i have regained enough stamina and endurance to help me help them.
stella (george's ex, who i consider now a good friend) was right. one can really not love without learning to love himself first. and i walked the dark, insect-infested road to learn to love myself alone. it was a painful process. very painful. but i am glad i went through it. i just hope my friends find enough courage to choose to walk the same path. then they will be better lovers.
i saw my brother's blog on our baby. i miss queenie. lord, please lead her home.
Posted by cant_u_read at 3:11 PM
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
From this entry on, my “shooting star” shall be referred to as “george”
I slept over at george’s last night. While I was working on something by the dining table, he came down from his workroom and gave me a starbucks journal. Printed on the first page were the words: “EVERY COOFEE HAS A STORY.” Under it, he wrote: “And so has every love.”
On the third page, he wrote:
Some sense of accomplishment ---
A reward for something
I worked hard for.
Nobody deserves it more
Than you do.
Earlier tonight, he had dinner with the guy who almost tore us apart but ended up making us fall deeper in love with each other. After the dinner, he surprised me by coming over to my place. He talked to me about what transpired during the course of their meal.
It just lifts my spirit to know how much happier we have become since we’ve overcome our unpleasant year-ender. I now find comfort knowing that he knows how much I love him. He now refers to that bitter episode we went through as a test. And I can’t help but smile everytime he says “next time it happens, we know what to do. It will be a lot easier.”
George has changed a lot. He’s not the same george I knew in the beginning. From the sweet, endearing human sex machine, he has become a more loving, adorable, sweeter partner. But still never out of libido. In fact, he has become a lot sexier (and a lot less cranky) when he learned how to communicate his feelings. I just keep falling deeper for him every single day of my life.
I only feel bad now that I failed to reach out to the guy I was referring to 3 paragraphs back. I really want to get to him better, and perhaps be his friend. I know he tried. I failed. Now I feel guilty.
speaking of guilt…
at 7 am this morning, I had jollibee’s version of sausage mc muffin. At 10, I had mcdo’s longanisa meal. For lunch I had two-piece chicken with a cup of rice. Then I had a meal complete with rice, prepared by mom for dinner.
In the span of 24 hours, I danced for 5 minutes.
God! That’s too much carbs for one day! Merde!
Posted by cant_u_read at 11:56 PM
Monday, January 10, 2005
Virgo - Your Love Profile
Your positive traits:
You're incredibly thoughtful and able to give your partner what they need most.
You are totally logical. You can deal with problems without involving your emotions.
A good work ethic. You'll do whatever it takes (within reason) to make your relationship work.
Your negative traits:
Sometimes you are so focused on your goals that you let your relationships suffer
You tend to be a perfectionist - and expect perfection from your mate as well
You are picky. So picky that you rather be single than with someone who has a few minor faults.
Your ideal partner:
Values success in life as much as you do
Fits a checklist of qualities you've been looking for since childhood
Like you, is more practical and realistic than romantic
Your dating style:
Active. You're a bit hyper, so you'd prefer a date that involved rollerblading in the park or hiking.
Your seduction style:
You may seem a bit shy, but once you open up to someone - you're totally uninhibited
You like to set the scene first - candles, music, nice sheets
A bit obsessed with cleanliness, you may want to shower first with your love
Tips for the future:
Soften up a little. Vulnerability is sexy - and feels great over time.
Lower your standards a little. Look past a messy desk or someone being five minutes late.
Praise your partner more. You make expect them to be successful, but complements are still appreciated.
Posted by cant_u_read at 2:50 AM
lately, i haven't been so excited as before about my blogspot.
then i saw my bro's first entry. and it hit me: why do i only contemplate about my life when it's filled with too much drama? so i am contemplating on my life now...
the past week has been one of the grandest weeks of my life. the man i shed a thousand of buckets of tears for has come back to my life and i welcomed him with arms (and legs!) wide open. we are learning about each other a lot and at the same time, about ourselves too. we have pointed out the things we have to work on and are we are now more than eager to work on them, to make this relationship a nurturing refuge for us both.
last night i did a stupid mistake and he got irritated. but i have learned to accept my mistakes and have become humble to say "sorry". and he has become able to speak his mind and has opened himself to confrontation. subtle confrontation. that kind where you use the heat of the moment to really show what your true emotions are without magnifying the other person's shortcoming. and it was great. we were able to use it to our advantage. we went to sleep with our issues settled. and he held me tight in his sleep.
last night i found my most precious sanctuary. that little space between his left arm and his chest. it provided me with comfort; with the warmth that couldn't be found elsewhere. it made me feel human. loved. cared for. wanted. needed. it made me feel whole.
Posted by cant_u_read at 2:04 AM
Thursday, January 06, 2005
|i do believe i am in the "now" moment. and it just gives me so much joy for now. but i am not afraid to go back to the "after after a while" phase. i will never be. coz i am not afraid to go on finding myself shattered and rebuilding it over and over again until i have found the one who will be willing to seal my shattered pieces so that i won't ever break again and will live with me in my perfect garden. i can only be hopeful for that day when we will both see that all the things the world has given me --- all its beauty, color, drudgery and sham --- were all meant to be, to make my garden the most beautiful for him. :)|
Posted by cant_u_read at 9:16 PM
|there has been too much drama going on in my life these past few days. too much: an uncertain break up and a thousand breakdowns.|
but like everything in this world, there is an end to this. and it has arrived. i am actually moving on to the next act. WE are actually moving on to OUR next act.
i was supposed to go to a friend's house earlier to work out and to get my spectacles back. the spectacles which i left at his place a couple of weeks ago and which i never hadthe chance to get. because of my lousy memory. i ended up staying at home instead. because of my lousy drive. i had a very insightful night. there was a whole gamut of human emotions and experiences that came parading before my very eyes in just a few hours. and for the first time, since i-can't-remember-anymore, i am now able to see things clearly again.
i have come to revalidate that the world has managed to continue moving while i chose put my life on hold to wallow in pain. that baby-no-more has fallen in love again. that my cousins have gone back home from the holidays without me really spending it with them. that bibe has called on her innate strength once more to fight another battle. that my shooting star has given himself renewed luster and am now becoming engaged again --- only now, more mindfully. that my mom has discovered why the buddha is smiling and has chosen to smile the way the buddha does. that there was a new definition of love waiting to be articulated. that a tsunami has killed hundreds of thousands while i was staring at the Universe's most forsaken son in the mirror.
how could i have been more greedy of sympathy and human compassion?
pardon me. i refused to listen to other people's stories these past few days. i was afraid of getting even more depressed. i didn't read the papers. i was busy writing poems for my shooting star --- poems of love and pain. i didn't watch tv. my eyes hurt so much from too much crying. and i didn't have my glasses.
Posted by cant_u_read at 2:57 AM
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
"Love is a union of people oft separated by circumstance but joined by mutual experience and emotion."
Love is a union of people oft separated. On occasion, those two hands have to let go. There is nothing more painful than the separation of people who have found each other. It is hard enough to find anyone, to start with. In a world of seven billion humans connected by a maximum six degrees, singling out just one person to posses, and who can possess us, is quite a challenge, indeed. So when that elusive accident occurs at last, it is only natural that we hold it to our chest, clasp it tightly with two miserly hands, and hope that love remains within the radius of an extended arm. The fortunate few who have found love know that this is worth fighting for. The continents are but shallow walls that can be scaled through perseverance, and months are slow steps which lead to the eventual reunion. The world is a smaller place for those in love. All problems will be solved, all doubts shall be assuaged, and all questions this mad world of infinite permutation can be satisfied by a single, simple answer. Love."
- excerpts from a Philippine Daily Inquirer article
Posted by cant_u_read at 2:30 PM
Sunday, January 02, 2005
|to everyone who cared and showed me love this past week,|
i have no ides how i can thank you enough.i had to lose myself to find it again. and make it whole again. i learned my lesson well. i hope you too have found something valuable in my experience. it didn't kill me, it made me a better man -- stronger and more resilient.
"with all its sham, drudgeries and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."
you have made my life even more beautiful.
with much love and thanks,
From Jane: in my eyes you were always a fighter. This war has left you battered but not broken. I’ll always be proud that you choose your battles and never walk away from pain. You stare it in the face, feel it and crush it. If in case he hurts you one last time, then glory be! He’s proven to be a bigger lesson than we both thought. It didn’t kill you today, it can only mean one thing: tomorrow you’ll be stronger!
from elai: even this has been so used up: it's his loss, not yours.. we end some things for other things, more beautiful and more wonderful, to begin. we love you.
Posted by cant_u_read at 1:03 PM