(Around) This Time, Last Year

Sunday, January 25, 2009
About A Boy Crossing The Border
-------
For the first time in his current journey, the road seemed bleak and uncertain.

For the first time, he felt his arrogance -- the arrogance that he always depended on to conceal his weak, vulnerable, human self -- abandon him as the rest of his defenses melt away and disappear in a heartbeat.

For the first time in his current journey, he wasn't too proud to admit what he was feeling. He wasn't scared or ashamed to say, "Please forgive me. Give me one more chance. And the only reason that I need that one more chance is that I love you."

The boy was, for the first time in so long, at that point where something ends and something bigger begins. He knew what lay ahead beyond that point. And with much hope and faith, he decided to do what felt right for him. What felt good for him.

It was past midnight. Just a few minutes before that, he was on a cab racing against time, crossing the tunnel that connected Lantau and Hong Kong Islands. Then without him noticing, in just a few minutes, half the world transitioned from Jan. 22 to Jan. 23 --- from Thursday to Friday. At about the same time, he crossed another border: that where fascination ends and love begins.

It was the beginning of a new journey.
------

AUMULU, t!

Postponing New Year's

The post. Postponing the New Year's post. Not the arrival of the new year, it's inevitable. Not the festivities, either. It's a sin to postpone any activity that involves consumption of alcohol in large quantities.

I was gonna post something more apt for the occasion, like a review of the year that had just closed or a promise to make the one that had just opened, a lot better than the previous ones, but I decided I'll save that for when all New Year's celebrations have finished.

For today, the first day of 2010, I decided to write about two anniversaries that took place just recently, but which I hadn't written of. And since I am a person who is big on anniversaries (I am bigger on anniversaries than on birthdays or national holidays), it is but just that I write about them, albeit late. You know what they say, better late than never.

December 18, 2008--- I went over to T's after a night of drinking. Loaded with a huge dose of liquid courage, I said to him. "Are we a couple? We have to make this official. Tonight." I was adamant. I made sure he had no way out. Shotgun marriage-- almost like that. And then quickly, I kissed him good night and dozed off; I didn't wake up the following morning until I was sure he had gone to work. I made sure he had no chance of taking it back.

A year, and way too many happy moments together, he still hasn't taken it back, thank God!

I AUMULU, T, here's hoping for many, many more wonderful anniversaries which I won't mind you forgetting, but which I will never, ever get tired reminding you and celebrating. (Next time, hopefully, not over breakfast.)

December 28, 2004--- Out of need of a venue to let it out, Can't You Read?, was born.


Five years; 36, 332 views since its resurrection on May 19, 2007; 510 posts; thousands of hours on end; countless emotions, people, events & life experiences; 3 blog awards & a few reviews and citations here and there; and dozens of new friends later, Can't You Read? is still alive. Not as busy as before, but somehow still serving the same purpose.

This is the very first time that I am celebrating my blog anniversary, and that shouldn't be the case, because my blog is way more abused than any of my best friends-- always there when I need it. Just when I need it.

Thank you, Can't You Read?. And I continue my relationship with you, knowing that somewhere, sometime, one person will stumble upon you and you will change his life, for the better. Oh, and thank you, Dan, for motivating me to blog again.

------
I once read a love quote that said something like, "Someday, someone will come and make you thank God that all the others in the past didn't work out." To that someone in my past who is now a good friend--- for pushing me to be where I am now, which made my meeting with T possible; and for that wrinkle in our history that made me start "Can't You Read"--- my deepest, sincerest thanks to you.

Four's Majeure

It was only 6 in the morning. The sun has just risen, and most of the city was still asleep. But in one corner of the Ninoy Aquino International Airport, it was already noisy and bustling with activity. That's what happens when you put 50 performers together-- you get an overwhelming dose of noise and nonstop chatter, especially when they get all excited. On top of that, add the family members, lovers, and friends that each one of them brought (or each one of them was forced to bring), so as to make that sweet, cinematic goodbye scene happen.

Past Step 1, which was the Overseas Employment Certificate validation at the OWWA office, and Step 2, which was going through tight security to get into the airport lobby for check in, the crowd thinned. Well-wishers weren't allowed in that section anymore. All that was left, were the passengers bound for Hong Kong. The extra crowd was already gone, but the noise wan't. It did, however, evidently turn from excitement to panic. Most of them went over the limited baggage allowance, and very few were prepared to pay the penalty. They were going to be gone for 18 months, at least. It was just right to bring everything that could help them bear with homesickness.

Few more minutes later, the whole group was already at the sitting area by the boarding gate, which looked out to the tarmac. The chatter has died now. The ridiculously early call time must have hit most of them. Excitement, no matter how big, can only conquer body clock for so long. For those whose body clock wasn't a problem, there was a different hit.

A plane with a huge Cathay Pacific insignia emblazoned on the side, wheeled towards their designated gate. "Finally!", exclaimed Noel Rayos. All conversations stopped, napping eyes opened, and everyone's head truned to the same direction. It was CX 912, the flight that would hold what was then, the most sensational export the Philippines dealt. Tex Ordonez then said, "Ito na ba iyun? Ito na ba talaga yun? (Is this it? Is this really it?)". She shed a tear. She was going to leave her newborn baby to work, and to be part of something new.

About two hours later, they were at the HK Immigration desks. Some of them, the first ones to get their passports stamped, had to go back and redo the whole process. The immigration officials overlooked their working visas, so instead of a year-long permit, they were given just two weeks to stay as visitors. Gladly, it was HK Immigration that they were dealing with. The procedure was swift and stress-free. Imagine if it happened in Manila.

Shortly after, they were greeted by two chinese ladies, Winnie and May. One was cheerful, plump and quite talkative, while the other was skinny, coy and soft-spoken. They both had their Disney nametags on and were very welcoming. They asked the group to form two files, arranged alphabetically according to surname: one for the males, and one for the females. They were then brought to the private bus that delivered them to Gold Coast Hotel.

It was only lunchtime. Their rooms weren't ready yet, so they all left the hotel lobby to grab their first HK lunch. Some headed straight to McDonald's. It was the safest option. A few immediately went to try the restos that dotted the Gold Coast beach. Others, those who decided to play safe with their budget, opted for Circle K and had the cheapest microwaveable lunch they could find.

It was June 5, 2005. It was the first day of their 18-month gig with Disney in Hong Kong. They were batch 2 of 3 batches of Filipinos in the Opening Cast. Some were excited, some were stupefied. Some were already thinking of shopping, while some were already calculating how much money they'd be able to bring home after 18 months. Some were already homesick, some eager to start a new life. Some would, later on, discover new avenues that Hong Kong would open for them. Some would go home. Some would stay. One of them would find himself getting close to the point of no return. That is today. The major fourth anniversary. The stage at which he will decide whether he will stay until he gets permanent residence, or go back home while it's not too late.

Just last night, he called his boyfriend to say that it felt a bit weird that none of his batchmates organized a get-together to celebrate the anniversary. His boyfriend said that somewhere down the line, people will stop celebrating it anyway. It just happened earlier than he had anticipated. Today, he got a message from his friend, Jojo Mamangun. They shared the same sentiment. He then decided that he will never stop celebrating his HK anniversaries. Because more than the memories of that Sunday morning, more than the disdainly meager first lunch in HK, more than his Disney stint that had already ended to make way for more adventures, more than the financial plans that he has yet to fulfill, June 5 marks something bigger. It is the beginning of something that changed his life in more ways than most people can imagine. It wasn't just a move to Hong Kong. It was a move to a new life.


So, to everyone who was also part of the opening team--- to you who are still here in HK, and to you who are elsewhere; to you who still hold dear the experience we had together and to you who choose to forget it; to you whose opinions about HK have changed, whether for the better or for the worse; to you who have other plans; to you who are now living your other plans; to you who will continue to celebrate your HK anniversaries like me; to you who have already stopped; to everyone who holds a Opening Cast shirt or jacket or Mickey hat, allow me to say, "Happy 4th anniversary!"

Outside The Rain Begins

Jethro walks into the dining area from the kitchen, shirtless and his hands, wet. He stands there for a minute, waiting for the conversation he has walked into to come to a pause. He doesn't want to interrupt his kuya and his nanay. As soon as an opportunity presents itself, he jumps in. "Kuya Law, do you have a strainer?"

Law turns to him and stares blankly, trying to think whether he has any.

Rye stops what he is doing, looks to their direction and bows his head. He was putting down the wicker magazine racks that hang by the windows to let the cool breeze in.

After a beat, Law replies, "Uhmm... I don't."

"Strainers, we don't have any in this house. But strangers, we have a lot in our lives. Real strangers whom we've never really met, and the other kind of strangers: people who were once important parts of our lives that we chose to become strangers, because if we allow them to linger any longer, they might hurt us again," Rye says, still looking down.

Ryan Lee, who is in the living room, previewing "The Love Of Siam", hears all these and solicits, "Who are they, nay?"

"I don't know, 'nak. I don't know them anymore," Rye claims.

They take a moment to let the energy die down and then they burst into corpulent laughters, applauding themselves for another spontaneous dramatic improvisation. Afterwhich, each one of them goes back doing his own thing. Jethro to the kitchen to solve the absence-of-strainer issue; Law to his chopping board, slicing the veggies for his kare-kare; Ryan Lee to "Love Of Siam", Rye to the window.

It is a stormy Friday. The previous night, at 8pm, Rye overheard from his colleagues that the HK Observatory was predicting that Typhoon 8 would be hoisted by dawn and probably even to 9 mid midday. He knew that this would be a non-working Friday. He packed his getaway bag, called Jethro, organized a get-together at Law's even before Law agreed, and headed to Causeway Bay. They kept themselves up all night, monitoring the direction and the speed of the winds, hoping that the storm doesn't decide to take a re-route.

Albeit a few hours delayed, the storm finally settled in at 7 in the morning, and the suspension of work was made official. Ryan Lee arrived. Those were the circumstances that led them here. Now.

The color of the peanut sauce and that of the achuete start to meld, as the oxtail becomes too tender, it begins to disintegrate. The buzzer sounds off, and Jethro gets up from the couch, where he and his brother, Ryan Lee, have been sitting over the last 2 hours, watching the foreign film that Ryan Lee was previewing since he got here. He opens the door to let Enan and Steve in. They have with them a pot of champorado and a hefty amount of fried danggit.

Later on, Josh, Miro and Dan arrive and the party gets started. Jethro gets on the computer and invites some more friends who, after about an hour, come with enough supply of alcohol to feed the whole household until the storm subsides.

On the 18th floor of Pearl Mansion on Patterson Street, the Beckies get lost in oblivion--- celebrating friendship, sharing love, toasting to an extra dayoff, and making a complete fool of themselves while outside, the rain begins. They pray that it never ends.

Same Time, Last Year

Exactly a year ago, I was at the HK International Airport, excited about my trip to Bohol.



Today, I'm not even sure of my itinerary yet. Enan has already left. Dan and Steve are leaving tonight. My other friends have already packed and are just killing time. My itinerary hasn't been confirmed. Ugh!

So help me God.

Remembering A Lesson Learned

Because I had two hours to kill today, I decided to go to the gym.

Because I loved how it felt parading naked in front of strangers the last time I did it, I decided to do it again today.

Because I almost forgot the lesson I learned from my previous experience, I am reposting this piece to remind me.

Lord, please make me not forget again.

I walked into the locker room and found two men: one, probably in his early 40's and the other, in his late 20's. Judging on body language, they didn't know each other. One was just getting ready for his tennis game while the other was still damp from the shower. They were both chinese, and both naked.

As soon as I deposited my stuff in my assigned locker, I marched into the shower cubicle. I was in my trunks and a towel hung in my shoulder. Twenty minutes later, I was wiping myself dry. I was going to wrap the towel around my loin but it was too small for one end to even reach the other. I decided to wear my trunks again. And then I decided otherwise. Come to think of it, I have never experienced parading in any changing room completely naked. Not in the dressing rooms of the company I used to work for, not in any public changing room I have ever been. Other people can do it, why can't I?

With much pride and dignity, I swung the shower curtain open and walked to the locker stark naked. The two men I had walked into weren't around anymore, but another character had appeared: the boy who, about an hour ago got me pissed because he moved the dumbells I was using for my Arnold Press. Few minutes later, I heard somebody walking out of the steam room. And another one coming out of the toilet. We were all bare-assed. Nothing to be coy about.

Although I didn't pretend to be straight, I also didn't announce I was gay. Maybe they knew and didn't mind at all. Or maybe they were too busy to even examine. Or maybe, they really thought I was straight even though my blonde lock screamed faggotry. Here in HK, I have learned that to judge a book by its cover is truly unwise; because here in HK, metrosexuals do exist.

Everything was going well. By that, I meant I wasn't having trouble co-existing in an enclosed space with other men in such vulnerable state. Neither were they. I could say so because none of them made me feel they were uncomfortable. Well, until I headed to the sink, and, out of habit, applied my cheek tint right after applying my moisturizer.

Two Years Back

After writing my Valentine's entry for tonight, I searched the Sent folder of my email, trying to find an important address. I didn't find it. Instead, this I found this---

Evaluation: Valentine’s Day ‘07

I had anticipated this day for weeks with much dread. I had the right and reason to. For the first time in 7 years, I would be celebrating Valentine’s Day sans romance (whether real or make-believe) in my life. And I am a hopeless romantic; Valentine’s is my day.

So for days preceding “the” day, I hoped and wished that Valentine’s would just come and go like any ordinary day. Of course I knew that no matter how big my faith was, or no matter how hard I prayed, there was no stopping Valentine’s. But I hoped that the Universe would conspire to at least allow me to go through Feb. 14oblivious of all the romance in the air. Or on the ground. But the Universe didn’t .As a matter of fact, It persisted in showing me that just because I am still healing from my last relationship which ended just 2 weeks before Valentine’s, doesn’t mean nobody else has the right to feel the way I felt for 7 years before today. Everywhere I looked, I saw couples, and flowers and chocolates and romance. And all other forms of love. Furthermore, It made me see that even if I may be single (not that being single is such a bad thing. I’m just not used to being single yet), I could still be part of the love-giving and –receiving. And I had the choice. Whether I want to be part of it or not, whether I want to be a recipient and giver or the Valentine’s Scrooge is entirely up to me.

How did I weigh my options? Following are the circumstances that helped me decide.

As midnight struck last night, my most recent boyfriend sent me an sms, which said, “Happy Valentine’s. I haven’t stopped loving you, just so you know.”

I woke up this morning and the first thing I read on my mobile phone was from my mom: a personal love message she had composed (I could tell because of the vocabulary) which ended in “Happy love day, my son. I love you so much!”

Then after digesting what my mom just sent me and thanking the Universe for the wonderful mother Remi is, I stepped out of my room, ready to start my morning rituals and I saw what seemed to me as a card envelope stuck on my door by some adhesive tape. Curious, I grabbed it and eagerly opened it, to see a card from my best friend Dan. He wrote such a wonderful message that summarized into his last sentence: “Basta, ang gusto ko lang sabihin ay (All I really want to say is), I am very thankful I have you as my best friend.” On the side, in small print, he said that even though I am boyfriend-less, I am blessed with a lot of friends who love me. So true.

Later that afternoon, maybe out of pity or whatever (which doesn’t really matter to me), Keith asked me to go with him to the carnival. I said no the first time but he convinced me eventually. I tried to come up with excuses. Some of them were true and valid, some were not; he had all the solution to every issue I came up with. So it turned out, I had a valentine. Sure, it was last-minute and was far from being a romantic date. Point is, I had a date on Valentine’s Day. And what a gorgeous, green-eyed date I had!

I got home a little after midnight. When I turned my computer on, I found out that I received a friendster testimonial and a myspace comment from my “girlfriend” (girlfriend in quotation marks being, that if I were straight, everybody would probably be gossiping about us now, misconstruing the unexpected closeness that we have), just reminding me that I am one of the very few friends she truly values and loves.

So that’s how my day went --- filled with simple gestures of love that caused such a big impact to me. Started with love, ended with love and filled with so much love in between.

I guess it’s true what the song says; that love is all around us. And whether I want to be part of it or not, whether I want to be a recipient and giver or the Valentine’s Scrooge is entirely up to me. What did I decide? Well, when there’s just an abundance of reasons that prove that scarcity of love is but a pathetic delusion; and all my senses are unanimous in saying that it just feels so right to be part of this loving ecosystem, it would be stupid to want out. And I’m not stupid. Romantic, but not stupid.

All in all, it wasn’t my worst Valentine’s. In fact, I believe that saying it has been my best Valentine’s to date wouldn’t be an overstatement.

Valentine’s 07. Ang rating natin dyan, 5 stars.

Now I am starting to think I am such a contradiction.

Remembering My LK Family This Christmas*

*originally published on Facebook
The 2007 LK Christmas Video
------------------

---a tradition that i, together with my friends verna & dan,
are proud to have been part of---

i know some of you will not believe this, because over the years, i've somehow earned the reputation of being a bitch without a cause, but i miss you immensely, my LK family! and this one's for all of you this christmas.


**as we all know, FB has a limit as to how many people can be tagged in one entry. as much as i would like to tag each and every person that has been part of LK since day 1 to this very moment, it is impossible. the tagged persons here were picked following a certain criteria:

• is he/she talkative enough to spread the word? if yes, tag.
• is he/she romantically involved with another LK cast member? if yes, tag, so that the partner doesn't have to be tagged.
• is he close to rye, who uploaded the video? if yes, tag. self-explanatory.

so please don't feel bad if u weren't tagged. it was a difficult process just tagging people. and to those who've been tagged, please share.


merry christmas again and love y'all! (well, not all. but most of you. and what, just because it's christmas i can't be honest? people already think i'm a bitch anyway. might as well live up to expectations. *insert evil laughter here*)

My Past Is Haunting Me

When I was little, I adamantly believed I was dumb. And I did, not because of my drama queen nature, but because I had valid reason to believe so.

I didn't play Scrabble because I was always kulelat; and in the worst possible way. Like, all my opponents would already be scoring hundreds and I'd be scoring 30. Or less.

I grew up not knowing how to play Monopoly or Millionaire's Game or Cluedo. I veered away from board games that required strategy and in effect, the only board game that I got to use on a regular basis was the only board game that nobody else was interested in: Snakes & Ladders. In fact, there was absolutely none that I knew of that was interested in it, I played it in on my own. ALWAYS. I had the dice to myself and I competed against myself. Not bad. That's how I learned the importance of introspection and also, I was always certain I would win. And I did.

But the worst of all my enemies were riddles. Ask Dan, my flatmate-slash-bestfriend-slash-podcast-partner, and he will attest to that. In the Kitschy Bugtungan Episode of our podcast, he threw a riddle which I confidently answered, and of course, I was predictably wrong. As a kid, I would always show disinterest whenever my teachers played the riddles game. And whenever my classmates traded riddles and puzzles books, I'd always obnoxiously remark, "You wanna borrow my Sweet Valley High, nerd?" That stage of my life, I would consider pivotal because looking back, that's probably when I started being seen by people as a mean, cold-hearted bitch. Even Nancy Drew didn't fascinate me. Or the Hardy Boys. They required too much brain cells from me. And I was dumb, for Chrissakes!

So two nights back from now, as I was saying good night to this boy we will call T, he replied, "I AUMULU". I asked him what it was, and he playfully replied, "You have to work that out." The only hint he gave me was that all U's stand for "you".

It's been two nights. And I still couldn't figure it out. He's been teasing me about my not being able to figure it out, and I though it was cute and funny. But it's not anymore. I'm starting to think I am dumb again.

Anybody out there willing to help a dumb 28-year old boy?

Kreis

sequel to "The Stalker In The Rye" published on September 9, 2007
__________


Here we are again: in the middle of the room where I once watched you, fascinated with your beauty; mesmerized with your charm; wondering what on earth I had to give to have you.

Here we are again: in the exact same time when outside, the clock continued to tick and the sun continued to rise to its peak, but where we were, there was only the now and the world was a tiny place of perennial night.

Here we are again: making our way to lands far off, to places we've never been to, and to places none but us knows exist.

Here we are again: amidst familiar faces and familiar music and sweaty bodies of men bobbing involuntary to the mechanical sound that envelopes us.

We've come full circle. Everything is back to where they were in the not-so-distant past. Everything seems comfortingly familiar. It almost is a deja vu. But it's not. Because in the past, you were just an ideal. An icon that represented my desires. A ghost, an apparition even. But this time you're real.

Briefly, I close my eyes. And in that fleeting moment of trance, you hold my hand and I know you are real. My body grows numb and all I could feel are your fingers between mine. Then I open my eyes and I see you --- needing me more than I need you, like you never did before. My heart rejoices that I'm no longer just your stalker.

It almost is a deja vu. But it's not. Because now, I am your safe place --- your refuge from the harm. Your comrade. Your brother.

It almost is a deja vu. But it's not. Because then, I was your audience who wished I could take the place of your prey for the night. Tonight, I still am not your prey. But I'd rather not. Where I am now is even more that I could ever ask for. And there's no other place in this room, or in your life I'd rather be.

A Friend In Need

Though I knew it was utterly embarrassing to be buzzing people online at such an ungodly hour, I disturbed a few of my friends in the middle of the night to ask for help. My request was:

change the word in parenthesis: "Due to the (manyness) of the points you raised in your email..."

It was a fairly easy task. It was nothing more than just a game of synonyms. But when it's past midnight and all you want to do is sleep (or drink or touch yourself), and a friend comes bothering you, desperately seeking (as if his life depended on it) for a word that sounds more sophisticated than "manyness", you black out. It becomes more difficult to think.

Friend 1: anong kasunod ng phrase na yan?
Ryeness: "...i am not answering any of them."
Friend 1: Pwede bang, "It will take too much of our time to answer each of the many points you raised in your email. Instead,..."
Friend 1: Or something like that.. Or "Instead of answering your email point-by-point, here's my quick reply: " Rule #1 I learned during my business writing class: "Write as you speak." Business writing is not creative writing.
Ryeness: but this is not business writing, huns...
Friend 1: what is it?
Ryeness: it's sophisticated flirting by correspondence!
Friend 1: ah.. di mo sinabi agad.. Eh di ganito.. "After pondering so hard and long about the points you raised, I was enticed to cum to you with a quickie." Flirtatioous di ba?
*Friend 1 is an Advertising Practitioner by profession (he garnered high marks in Business Writing while in University) and a Casanova by heart (if Flirting 101 was offered in the University, he'd be the topnotcher in his class). He flirts. Trust me, he does, at any given moment. (Oh! Come to think of it, he never flirted with me. Oh well...)

Friend 2: what if rephrase mo na lang?
Ryeness: parang ganun na nga..
Friend 2: "due to the numerous points you raised". keri ba yan?
Ryeness: kailangan ko istress ung "being many" rather than what was many in his email..
Friend 2: rephrase na nga ang kasagutan ng suliranin na yan
Friend 2: nanginginig ako sa inis, friend. di ko kinakaya ang papansing toh!
Ryeness: hahawakan ko, ikaw sasapak? lol
Friend 2: lason na lang para less violent. para walang violence pala
*Friend 2 is a performer by profession and has undergone Stress Management courses.

Ryeness: i need a word that sounds like enormity or magnitude
Friend 3: yeah i see what you're trying to get at...
abundant, copious, diverse, extensive, infinite, large, lots, many, multiple, multitudinous, plentiful, several, untold, voluminous, legion, multitudinous, myriad - synonyms for numerous maybe you can try something from here
*Friend 3 is my only friend whose bedside reading is the Thesaurus.

Friend 4: ano yung karugtong? what comes after the ellipses?
Ryeness: "...i am not answering any of them."
Friend 4: "manyness" may be unnecessary. you may want to consider fragmenting the sentence instead.
Ryeness: i tried... didn't work. i wanna stress the "being many" i need a word that sounds like enormity or magnitude
Friend 4: or you may use the word "plethora"
Ryeness: perfect! you are a superstar!
Friend 4: "i have not replied to you due to the plethora of emails you have sent me"
Ryeness: i'd marry you if ur status didn't say "married",
Friend 4: hahaha!:P ikaw talaga! if that meant, thank you, i would say "welcome, Rye."
Ryeness: which, by the way, made my ashamed of myself for trying to flirt with you on ***
Friend 4: hahaha why would you be ashamed anyways?
*Friend 4 holds a special place in me. Not in my heart. In me.
______________
Three hours later, I got to write my letter:

"Due to the superfluity of the points you raised in your most recent email,
I am writing my response in a point-by-point fashion.
My answers are in caps and enclosed in parentheses."

*How could I have forgotten my favorite word in high school? In my attempt to sound smarter than I actually was, I used it every single day after I first read it from a book that I was assigned to write a paper on. I would always find something to talk about that would allow me to just utter the word. At times I couldn't, I said it anyway and wished whoever I was talking to didn't know what it really meant.

In Memoriam

Yesterday, August 8, was Oca's 6th death anniversary.

I've been too preoccupied getting ready for my next big career move, I forgot.

Forgive me, Oca? Not remembering without being reminded by Rems doesn't mean I love you any less.

You will always be the only man I adore, love and respect hideously. Adore, love and respect --- in the present tense. The man by which I measure the worth of the men I fall in love with. The man who shaped me into the person I am now. The man I can only wish to be.

I love you, Oca! I know you know that. Thank you for everything.

About A Boy, A Rabbi And A Certain AJ.

It was a Sunday, a day for the boy to visit the synagogue and give praise.

Unlike the previous Sundays, he decided to come casually this time around. Dressed in a simple black crew-neck, shorts and sneakers, the boy entered the synagogue and was greeted warmly by familiar faces and the even more familiar scent of the place --- his Sunday home.

While he was standing in the middle of the room, relishing the feeling of just being there, the boy was spotted by the rabbi, who, without delay walked up to him and gave him a paternal welcome kiss. "How are you?", the rabbi asked.

"I'm good," the boy eagerly replied with a smile. But he was lying. And the rabbi knew.

"We'll talk later," the rabbi assured him.

By later, the rabbi meant, after he has greeted every single member of his congregation and given them his blessing, which, didn't take long. Few minutes later, he and the boy started their counselling. Halfway through the boy's bickering, he paused, quite alarmed of the expression on the rabbi's face. The rabbi was surprised. Baffled even. He had never seen the boy so agitated. Maybe it was the fact that the boy refused to talk about it for a while and kept it bottled up inside. Or maybe it was whatever he took that made his hormones go berserk.

"I'm sorry," the boy tried to calm himself down. "I have never felt this way. Ever."

"Because you've never experienced this before?"

"Never. Not with Erick, not with William. Not with any other fling."

He was wrong. In his process of recollection, he missed one person.

_____

They met sometime in 2004: the boy and this AJ.

Somewhere in the middle of "Absolutely Not", while the boy danced in oblivion, AJ saw him. They were in a gay club. AJ was alone, while the boy was with his friends. AJ was quietly sipping his beer in one corner, while the boy was partying like there was no tomorrow. AJ was observing the boy, while the boy was trying to get the attention of the guy he had slept with the previous week, who wasn't paying much attention to him because he was with his boyfriend.

When the music changed, the boy grabbed his Absolut Vanilia from where he had parked it before he conquered the dancefloor and headed to the john. Normally, he would use the ladies' room. He was a VIP of the club and VIPs were allowed to do that. But there was a line to the ladies' room at that moment. There was only one porcelain god for women and there were about 7 women waiting to use it.The boy decided to use the urinal.

The club had two long urinals strategically placed against each other so that if there were two customers using each of them, they peed facing each other. A solid waist-high cement divider stood between the two urinals. From the waist to the ceiling stood a thin aquarium. On one side was the boy, forcing to entertain himself with the fishes, trying to fight the urge to check out what package laid uncovered on the other side of the fish tank. Somehow he succeeded in resisting the temptation. But the stare from that person on the other side of the fish tank was too strong to resist. The boy's eyes met his. And they smiled at each other.

Later on, the other person introduced himself as AJ. They exchanged numbers, and promised to call each other the following day. Little did they both know the promise was unnecessary. Just before the club played its last song for the night, they left together and headed to the boy's home. They didn't need to call each other the following day because 24 hours after they've met, they were still together, naked in the boy's room. The boy wasn't working that day and AJ decided to call in sick. They were mad about each other. For a whole week, they were together whenever they weren't working. The boy would rise at 6am every single day to have breakfast with AJ who worked the graveyard shift. Then they'd head to the boy's and make love like rabbits in heat, nap for a while, wake up in the afternoon, have a quick round, have an early dinner, then AJ would bring the boy to the theater where the boy did a performance from 8 to 10. Then the boy and his friends would go for drinks after the show in a bar that would be easy for AJ to go to on his "lunch" break.

Exactly a week after they met, the boy went to their usual breakfast place at 6:30am. AJ was nowhere in sight. He called AJ several times until he got pissed of the woman that repeatedly answered his call, almost mockingly. His temper was starting to blow but the woman said the same thing over and over with the same, unaffected tone. "The subscriber cannot be reached. Please try your call later." Finally, the boy decided to go home.

As soon as he hopped in a cab, his phone beeped. The message was from AJ, and it said: "I was watching you the whole time. Sorry I can't do this. I get stupid when I fall in love and I don't wanna get stupid ever again. Sorry."

Just like that, AJ fled. The next time the boy heard from him, via YM, the boy was already living in another city. AJ messaged: "How are you?" The boy ignored the message and blocked AJ from his list.

And just like that, the boy fled.

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REPOST: The Unbearable Lights Of Christmas

Rems and Mai at the HK Disneyland, 29 June 08

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"The Unbearable Lights Of Christmas" was originally published on December 19, 2007


I walked over to the other theater from ours at half past 6 tonight. Halfway through, the lights all over the park went dim and a male voice came booming from the speakers. "Ladies and gentlemen, Maestro Mickey!", he said. Or something to that effect. Then his announcement was quickly followed by the Putonghua translation.


It was time for the lighting of the castle. The music faded in and went up and Mickey sliced the air with his baton. Fireworks. They shot up and lit the black evening sky and sprinkled like gold, shining confettis way up in the air --- like pixie dust --- and disappeared quickly, one confetti after the other, as if they had been swallowed by the mysterious blackness of the sky.


The music segued to a full-orchestra arrangement of Carol of the Bells and went to an overpowering crescendo. The tower of the castle was briefly covered with bright lights. When its lights died, another part's lit. And it went on and on and the lights seemed to be dancing to the music. Catching every poignant note, and keeping silent in the rests of the music.


I remembered our family Christmases during my childhood. My cousins, who grew up in the middle of the ancestral rice fields from Nueva Ecija, would come to Manila every year to celebrate the holidays there. We'd bring them around Cubao. They'd be so mesmerized with the lights that hung in every building and every tree in Araneta Center, and we'd just spend hours walking and walking, stopping every 5 minutes to take pictures of almost anything and everything there was --- SM Cubao, Ali Mall, the giant Araneta Christmas tree, Fiesta Carnival, Araneta Coliseum, the street vendors, the food, the streets themselves... Then we'd wrap up our little holiday trip by buying fried dried squid and park ourselves in front of C.O.D. to watch their annual Christmas mannequin show.

photo credit: larawan

Once, on our way home from Cubao, as we were all packed in my uncle's red Ford Fierra, one of my cousins exclaimed, "Ang ganda-ganda ng mga ilaw! (The lights are very beautiful!)".


Then my mom said, "Para ka na ring nasa Disneyland, no? (Almost feels likes your in Disneyland, doesn't it?)"


My dad, sitting in front, beside my uncle who was driving protested. "Hindi ah! Mas maganda ang Disneyland. Pag nagtatrabaho na yung mga anak ko, pupunta tayo dun! (Of course not. This doesn't compare to Disneyland. When the time comes that my sons are already working, we will all go there."


It must have been 20 years ago. I don't exactly know when this happened. But I do remember that episode so well until now because that night, I promised myself I will someday bring them to Disneyland. I kept quiet and didn't tell a soul about it, because I wasn't sure I could ever fulfill my promise.


As we grew older, Cubao somehow lost its charm to us. Eventually, our family reunions were moved to Baguio. Though those Christmas trips weren't the slightest bit less fun, none of them compared to our Christmases in Cubao. In August of 2002, dad passed away and our family reunions became more meaningful. It was the time of the year when mom would see her brothers and sisters and reconnect with them, alleviating her sadness and depression. But still, none of those compared to our Christmases in Cubao.


This will be my third Christmas away from family. My brother's second. Our family's 6th Christmas without Oca. While Remi has enjoyed so many times (and will continue to do so) my Disneyland promise to them, Oca wasn't able to wait 3 more years. He would've loved to be walking around the "happiest place on earth" with Remi. And I would've loved performing, knowing that he and she and Mai were in the audience. He passed away without ever seeing me or Mai perform professionally. His diabetes was already in a bad stage when we started doing professional work. He'd always have wounds in his feet and could not wear shoes. He was afraid of being refused admission because of his footwear so he never dared. But here, in Disney, he could come in wearing anything in his feet. He could see my show in flip-flops with Mai and Remi, and no one would mind.

photo credit: jacky

I stood there in the middle of the crowd tonight, my senses totally oblivious of the people around me. Slowly, the sound coming from the crowd faded as if they were all very, very distant from where I was standing. All I could hear was the melodious sound of Carol of the Bells. All I could see was the castle and how, little by little, it got totally covered in what seemed to be millions of tiny, bright lights. All I could smell was the crispness of the winter air. And all I could feel was my family, standing with me in front of the majestic castle they once dreamed to see.



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What The Sunshine After The Rain Brings

Rebirth.

Hope.

Promise of a new beginning.

A little bit of rain is cute. It's inspiring. It's dramatic. It's poetic. It's romantic, even. But when it continually rains -- when it continually pours -- for 2 weeks in a row like it did here in HK, it can get depressing. No one is spared from the inevitable sporadic attacks of melancholia and gloom it brings.

So when the sun finally decides to show her face and give us her maternal warmth again after the rain, we frolic. We celebrate the hope and the promise of a new beginning that coming out ---her rebirth --- brings.



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REBIRTH
About A Boy And A Friend


Boy:

you know you can come over if you feel like it. this is a thing for our circle of friends and you're still part of it. unless of course you've already decided you're not anymore.

and besides, this is a party for joe and jan. they're you friends too as much as they are mine. don't worry, you don't have to be nice to me if you don't want to.

let me know what you think so i can reserve you some pinakbet, if ever.

Friend:

Thanks for the gesture. I do appreciate it. It means a lot to me.

Unfortunately, I do have plans for tonight. You guys enjoy yourselves. Greet Joe and Jan for me.

Boy:

you're welcome.

and since we're at it already, we're (well, not all but those who won't have to work) heading to the beach tomorrow, around 11am. do come if you have nothing to do.

i hope you understand that i'm doing this because i want you to not feel that you have to exclude yourself from the clique or from any of its activities. and i thought if there really is no way we can get to be friends again, we have to at least learn to co-exist.

Friend:

For the sake of our common friends, learning to co-exist should be the least. For the sake of both of us, maybe even start over. I think it may never be the same again but then again I'm open to starting over, wiser about it this time around. IMHO, we've both crossed our personal thresholds, but at least maybe this time, we can see the line better.

Please accept my apologies for however I've hurt you.

Honestly, i don't know if I'm ready, and I'm a bit scared. These things for me take time. I'm just counting on the fact that 3 months could be long enough.

For the sake of my guest, Alvin, who I want you guys to meet also, I'm considering your offers for me to join. If ever, can I bring him along? I still need to ask him though if he'd rather go out to the bars tonight as we originally planned.

It's been a year since I met you. Also a week (I think) before Summer Splash. :)

boy:

i hate you for bringing tears to my eyes now.

having said that, i don't think starting over is an option. it is inevitable. and i am dauntlessly willing to embrace that next chapter.

apologies accepted. please accept mine too. and i'm sorry it took a while for me to do that.

and yes, bring alvin along. it will be fun! unless he is filipino food-phobic. u know what you can do.. i think you should bring him to The Bar then leave around midnight so u can catch the last train coming here. it leaves the city at 1230. i won't be back from my caterer until around 11 anyway.

friend:

Time heals everything. :)

Alvin's not a big fan of filipino food, but not filipino food-phobic either. He says he doesnt need to go to The Bar tonight. We can do that tomorrow. Plus he'll be here for more than a week.

You still have extra cash for tinapa for me? I'm so tinapa-starved. Was so missing it the whole time in Europe. A couple of them will do. If not, ok lang din.

boy:

i'll save a tinapa for you. let's jut hope some people won't show up so that we have extra for a second serving.

oh and BTW, you know how it goes when pinakbet dinner happens in at mine. we don't serve other dishes or expensive wime because nobody cares about them anyway. so u might wanna pick up a bottle of wine for alvini so that he has something to consume.

see you tonight?

friend:

Yup. :)

...will be continued.

Thoughts On The 3rd Anniversary Of My Big Move To Hong Kong

I was 25 when I moved here to Hong Kong on June 5, 2005. I didn't know I was gonna stay long after my initial 18-month contract expired. Neither did I know I was going to want to stay longer or want to start building a life here. I had no idea that what I then thought as a transient gig would eventually turn out to be a kind of settling in. I had no idea where the book I was then starting to write would lead to. Had I known, I shoudn't have made excuses or feigned illness just to skip from Noordin Jumalon's Boys' Class and Ernest Malagkit's Variation Class.

I am almost 28 years old now. And I am only starting to learn how to do a freaking spagat*!

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*spagat - means "split" in German. In classical ballet, spagat is a step that is almost like a grand jete (where one leaps from one leg, extends the other leg to the front and then kicks the leg which he jumped from, to the back before he lands so that he is doing a split on air), but only a lot more challenging.

At the peak of the grand jete, the dancer swings both legs so that they switch positions (i.e., the front leg swings to the back and the back leg to the front) before he lands.


Still don't get it? Here's how it's done ---

Angel Corella in Le Corsaire, doing the spagat (0:56 & 1:01)

The Story Of A Midnight Phone Call

"Just know that whenever you need any help, I'll be here," I assured my friend.

"Thanks, Rye. I'll keep that in mind. So far, I can still keep it together. But I don't know how much longer I can do this." He sounded weak, but he showed his dauntless desire to hang on to that little thread of optimism, which was admirable. "I don't know how you do it," he continued. "You go through relationship drama like everyone else but you never fall in the misery trap like the rest of us do. I wish I can have your strength."

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I do not always have the strength that people around me think I do. What I do have, are learnings from the many failures that I have been through because I was never afraid to take risks. Lessons that I learned because I always refused to ever get jaded or cynical. Those that, by being a self-flagellating, masochistic drama queen, I was able to juice out of every single encounter I have ever had --- be it a major long-term relationship, a fling, a blind date, or a one-night stand. For me, every human relationship we have ever had, no matter how brief, can be life-changing because every one of them has something to teach us. But only if we allow ourselves to learn from them.

It takes a lot of repetitive encounters to get used to the drama. But getting used to it isn't tantamount to not commiting the same mistake again. Eventually though, one'll realize that he made the same mistakes because he played the same game with the same strategy. And that doesn't make it any easier. It gets more difficult even; because just when one thought he knew better, he falters again just like before and the heartbreak alone is coupled with some kind of self-doubt. He begins to question his ability to learn or his capacity to live the lessons that he thought he knew so well. And then he commits the same blunder again and again until he is ready to truly be in a relationship that upholds the values that the trail of broken hearts and disillusionments behind him, had instilled in him.

So where am I now in terms of relationship maturity?

I would like to think that I am now in a position where I know for sure what I want out of a partner. That I know just which part of me to compromise and which part of me to not lose. I am in a position where I'd rather go on with my life and not wait for that next affaire d'amour to happen, so that if it never happens, I will not look at myself in the future with regret knowing that I missed out on my life waiting for someone to complete me when I, myself, am a complete entity. I am in a position where I know for certain that not everyone that meets my criteria for judging is good enough for me. I am in a position where I can say I know better.

Of course, this is not to say that I will be less willing to take risks. No. It's just that the next time I take a risk, I will know for sure why I think I should, and not only because he might be the one. This is also not to say that I won't be hurt ever again. It's just that the next time hurt and pain comes my way, it will be for a whole new lesson. Not a refresher of the things life has taught me again and again in the past.

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"You'll be fine. And when all this is over, you'll realize you have become a better person because of the lessons this experience taught you," I told him. And I knew in my heart he was gonna be fine. Outside the romance department, he has faced more of life's battle than me. Between the two of us, he is the stronger person. If I survived all those heartaches with my spirit intact, I am sure he will too.

He thanked me for everything I said on the phone and hung up feeling more enlightened than he was 5 minutes back. And I smiled, knowing that I was able to help a friend in need and knowing that I, myself had some lessons to learn from his experience.

About A Boy And Antonio

He knew this whole time that at some point, he will have to face his demons. And he was never scared of that day to come. In fact, he had always been looking forward to it.

It will be the day when he will be able to sing the songs they used to sing together. Or dance that piece that Antonio loved seeing him do. Or look at old pictures without remorse or sadness. Or make that experimental fish dish he came up with one night Antonio was painting in the den, back in the day they were practically living together.

It will be the day when he'd be ready to have another man sleep in his bed again. The bed that he bought and used exclusively for him and Antonio. After they called it quits on that very same bed, until not so long ago, he had invited a few men into it. But everytime each man dived in and dozed off on that bed, he felt that there was something inside him that he was cheating on. A lot of times, this bed had set him up for humiliation. Once, he had sex with a guy on this bed and, no matter how hard he tried to not entertain thoughts of Antonio, he went soft. He didn't learn from that experience, so he tried over and over again. Everytime he tried, the humiliation grew bigger and stronger, like a dark creature that looked like a worm in its early stages of life and has grown, over the course of a few sexual encounters, into a giant monster ready to eat him up completely if he didn't stop trying.

It will be the day when he will stop feeling sorry for passing up on the wonderful men he went out to date with, or even attempted to invite him out to dinners or movie. It will be the day he will be able to look at any man again without pre-empting the possibiity of a self-consumingly amazing romance. Or even friendship.

It will be the day he can start enjoying the company of their common friends without the need for cover-ups; without the fear that Antonio might have a glimpse of what his life is right now.

It will be the day he will be ready to visit home and not care that he might bump into him; or into any of their friends that might tell him how they adore or loathe Antonio's current boyfriend. It will be the day he will be willing to listen to their friends comparing how he was to how his current is as a partner. And he will be fair enough to genuinely say, "I'm sure he's a good person."

It will be the day when he will realize that all his efforts to get over him, have all paid off. That he is ready to see him and maybe be friends with him.

Today, his demons are presenting themselves right in front of him. And he doesn't know for certain whether he's ready to face them.

He doesn't know.

And it hurts him.

Photo Reflections

I was loading Pink Becky with my old (and new) photos and I was quite amused at how I have changed physically over the past couple of season changes here in HK.

I don't look young and fresh anymore. My hair is gradually receding; and it's starting to get a bit more difficult to keep myself in shape. I used to be able to muster enough energy to go straight to work from a ridiculous night out. I can't anymore. I no longer belong to the mid-20's age group.

I don't mind, though. I enjoyed my youth well and I will grow old happy and content, knowing that I didn't waste it idly. I laughed, loved and partied like a son of a bitch! And in the process of having fun, I have made some very enriching experiences and associations. And I still am. (Having fun and making some very enriching experiences and associations.)

pre-HK; the height of my career as a dancer ---
back in the day when i could munch on anything edible i set my eyes on
without having to worry about gaining a single pound.

summer of 2006---
i was dancing less and cooking more.
but i had Saturday & Friday nights devoted
to burning calories on the dancefloor;
Pui O Beach (photo by Mamangun)

January 2007---
3 months after I started
serious weight training and food supplements
(photo by Mamangun)

January 2008---
a year after the last photo was taken.
a year & 3 months of on-and-off
weight training and protein overdose
(photo by Mamangun; sponsored by Ayi)

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One Night Only!

Ok... maybe not one night. But for a limited time only.

Here's the farewell vid we made for our dear friend, Julius when he left for London in May of last year to marry the man of his life, Nige.

View it now before any of the gurls demand that I delete this post.

The first part is a 2-minute slide show. The message is touching, but if you find it boring, at least wait until the timer hits 2:05.

Yes, we'll make you happy!

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