Wednesday, May 21, 2008

About A Boy And Antonio

He knew this whole time that at some point, he will have to face his demons. And he was never scared of that day to come. In fact, he had always been looking forward to it.

It will be the day when he will be able to sing the songs they used to sing together. Or dance that piece that Antonio loved seeing him do. Or look at old pictures without remorse or sadness. Or make that experimental fish dish he came up with one night Antonio was painting in the den, back in the day they were practically living together.

It will be the day when he'd be ready to have another man sleep in his bed again. The bed that he bought and used exclusively for him and Antonio. After they called it quits on that very same bed, until not so long ago, he had invited a few men into it. But everytime each man dived in and dozed off on that bed, he felt that there was something inside him that he was cheating on. A lot of times, this bed had set him up for humiliation. Once, he had sex with a guy on this bed and, no matter how hard he tried to not entertain thoughts of Antonio, he went soft. He didn't learn from that experience, so he tried over and over again. Everytime he tried, the humiliation grew bigger and stronger, like a dark creature that looked like a worm in its early stages of life and has grown, over the course of a few sexual encounters, into a giant monster ready to eat him up completely if he didn't stop trying.

It will be the day when he will stop feeling sorry for passing up on the wonderful men he went out to date with, or even attempted to invite him out to dinners or movie. It will be the day he will be able to look at any man again without pre-empting the possibiity of a self-consumingly amazing romance. Or even friendship.

It will be the day he can start enjoying the company of their common friends without the need for cover-ups; without the fear that Antonio might have a glimpse of what his life is right now.

It will be the day he will be ready to visit home and not care that he might bump into him; or into any of their friends that might tell him how they adore or loathe Antonio's current boyfriend. It will be the day he will be willing to listen to their friends comparing how he was to how his current is as a partner. And he will be fair enough to genuinely say, "I'm sure he's a good person."

It will be the day when he will realize that all his efforts to get over him, have all paid off. That he is ready to see him and maybe be friends with him.

Today, his demons are presenting themselves right in front of him. And he doesn't know for certain whether he's ready to face them.

He doesn't know.

And it hurts him.