This morning, I went down on my knees, stretched out my arms open, looked to the sky and danced to the words--
photo credit: Jai Ignacio
I'm disappointed, but I'm not bitter. And I mean it, really. What people don't realize is that it would be tremendously stupid for me to be bitter about it.
The project is meant for people between 15 and 25 years old. I am 5 years past the age limit. And if they decided to not play by the rules and allowed me to get the part, then they'd be doing me a favor that I have to be super grateful for. If they decided otherwise, they'd be playing fair and square.
It had nothing to do with talent, as my friend Heidi puts it. I know that for sure. Hell, yeah, I do. But why am I disappointed? Because I was so close to playing one of my dream roles. SO close. I don't mind being disappointed. And I'm not shy to be honest about it. I find that disappointment is healthy for me because it makes me examine the situation in many different angles, and I am able to learn from it very well.
I, as a performer, have two dream roles: Kim in Miss Saigon, and Angel in Rent. The former is quite far-fetched, to say the least, while the latter, is so easy to achieve. Hey, I almost did. I may not be the strongest bari-tenor that one could ever find, but I knew deep in my heart that I can bring it. The heels, the wig, the dancing, the pizzazz, the character, the backstory--- I knew so well I could work all of it. I just didn't know I could work it all so damn well. Modesty aside, that is the biggest learning in this experience. Realizing that the limitations that I had set for myself in the past are not my real limitations. That there is so much more that I am capable of.
My Angel dream doesn't end here. In fact, this is the beginning. This experience gives birth to a performer that is a world closer to Angel.
So why am I writing this down and publishing online for all the world to see? Four reasons:
1) to pacify my friends who are worried that I might be depressed that I didn't get the role, because that's the effect that my Facebook status update sent out;
2) to serve as a reminder for me when I start to second-guess myself;
3) to thank Scott and Lindsey for the wonderful callback experience, and for objectively explaining to us the real situation (I look forward to working with you both in the future, and I wish you all the best for Rent. I'll be watching the opening!); and
3) to send out feelers for producers who might be interested in producing it in the future. Call me. Oh, I meant, "for producers who might be interested in producing the adult version of it in the future. But not in the near, near, near future. Way after the YAF production." Call me.
"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up
In your face"Alanis Morisette, Ironic
Merlot.
Life Salad.
Home-cooked Beef baltic curry by T.
The mere sight of him.
*inspired by Tita Mike's Facebook status
---
Oh and add "Sunday" to that too.Katy: Where have you been?
Dear readers, please help spread the word! The more, the many-er. ;-)
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Today can't be manic. The week ahead is gonna be very, very hectic, and I need to pace myself so that I may be able to sustain this whole stretch, and still live to see my next day off, which, hopefully, will happen before April starts.
Tuesday & Thursday, Saturday & Sunday--
Auditions: Oliver!, for HK Singers
(will be performed in June 2010 at the Hong Kong City Hall Theatre)
Things I miss doin with you:
1. Pigging out
2. Singing na lagi mo ako kino-coach
3. Arguing
4. You opening up to me
5. Mga 1-liner mong statements after a long litany of my emotions
6. Pag palit mo ng password sa pc pag nauubos ko yung isp bonanza mo
7. Pagsama mo sa akin with you whom I adore so much
8. Pagiging makalat mo. Dedma sa clutter
9. Pag kinokontra mo pagkain ko ng kanin
10. Dedma ka lang pag nahuhuli mo akong may booking
11. Pag di mo kinakausap for a month kapag kumukupit ako pera sa wallet mo
12. Pag n-neutralize mo sa amin ni mama
13. Pag a-assert mo magluto whenever I feel like cooking something
14. Pag away mo kay jonas
15. You smoking inside the house.
16. Pag nakikita ko yung kadiri mong diet na fresh egg whites atop youe steamed rice
17. Your ex na super love ko, ni rems, and tutit
18. Your performances with BP and souvenir programs
19. Pagtulog mo na parang never ka ng gigising.
20. Pagkwento mo sa friends mo na masama ugali ko.
1) Adam West, during post-show drinks at Delaney's on opening night of Romeo & Juliet, officially offered me the choreographer post for his late-2010 production. What it is, I am not sure I am allowed to disclose this early. But I am ecstatic to be part of the project. So excited, I am stepping left and right and doing pelvic thrusts! Wootwoo! And I am putting it in writing and tagging my "Sister Mary best friend", Nicole, so that Adam doesn't forget.
2) I am blacklisting people I don't ever wanna work with. I have long been doing this, but only now did I start to actually list them down. Most of them fall under the "BEST" category. Big Ego, Small Talent. I mean, it's ok to have egos. We all do. Small talent is ok, too. With determination, adequate training and proper guidance, that's workable-- it will become big eventually. But Big ego and Small talent together? Not good.
3) Andy Burt is officially on-board my dream project. Watch out, Hong Kong! Spring of 2011. Jamesy, are you ready? On that same note, another person has expressed interest to produce it, and another one to help us organize a few charity performances for a particular NGO. I am not sure I am allowed to divulge who they are, so I will conceal their identities under the names Jason Clark and Rey Asis, respectively.
4) Romeo and Juliet is over. Congratulations, peeps! I am proud to have been part of this undertaking. And thank you all for trusting my own little vision.
Big thanks to Jowzshua for my side-swept fringe.This morning I found myself in tears. After giving in to them, I paused and asked myself the reason I was crying. I found two.
First, Corazon Aquino. The woman who paved the way for our generation to know the life of freemen. To live it, and enjoy it to its limits. She led the whole nation in its fight to bring back what it thought it had lost. She restored the dignity of millions of people. She passed away last night.
And then, there's Gloria Arroyo. By invoking solidarity among the Filipinos like her predecessor had done, she, too, ousted an unwanted political leader. Like her predecessor, she promised to restore and rebuild. Whether she failed or not, and if she did, the extent by which she did, I have no idea. I am the least interested in politics or in her. What I do know, is that she robbed my generation of artists the kind of dignity that Aquino fought to give us back.
This morning I found myself in tears. Out of sorrow and grief for the woman who, for years, stood as the matriarch who held my ailing country together; out of pain for my fellow Filipino artists who have been blatantly humiliated and betrayed by the very institution that was supposed to nurture them; and out of utter disgust for the Philippine government that, I am now convinced, is a company of greedy, power-hungry traitors who should have died instead of Cory.
I have never felt so strongly about politics ever before. Just now. So allow me to wallow in my tears some more.
These are two of my godchildren---
Charlize dreams of becoming a ballerina.
Dudi dreams of becoming a visual artist.
Please, God... End the travesty that the government is making out of the arts in the Philippines now, so that my godchildren may become happy, fulfilled artists when they grow up to realize their dreams. I love these kids dearly and I don't want them to suffer the tremendous humiliation and heartbreak that I, together with the rest of the Filipino Artists Community, am experiencing now. I don't want them to lose faith in the arts and be disillusioned the way a lot of my peers are, right now. I want them to become real "artists"-- those whose works are propelled by life and not by politics. I don't want them to be part of the dreadfully shameful system that they are starting to create.
Please, God. Please.
1) Choose: Go back home to get your dansneakers and rehearsal outfit or swing by Fonteyn in Wan Chai to buy them.
(If you choose the former, don't bother coming to the audition anymore. You won't make it on-time. If you choose the latter, be sure your EPS has sufficient funds.)
2) In Fonteyn, carefully examine which of the two pairs is most comfortable dancing in without a proper warm-up: Bloch's new Slingshot or the classic Capezio gore boot.
It was only 6 in the morning. The sun has just risen, and most of the city was still asleep. But in one corner of the Ninoy Aquino International Airport, it was already noisy and bustling with activity. That's what happens when you put 50 performers together-- you get an overwhelming dose of noise and nonstop chatter, especially when they get all excited. On top of that, add the family members, lovers, and friends that each one of them brought (or each one of them was forced to bring), so as to make that sweet, cinematic goodbye scene happen.
Past Step 1, which was the Overseas Employment Certificate validation at the OWWA office, and Step 2, which was going through tight security to get into the airport lobby for check in, the crowd thinned. Well-wishers weren't allowed in that section anymore. All that was left, were the passengers bound for Hong Kong. The extra crowd was already gone, but the noise wan't. It did, however, evidently turn from excitement to panic. Most of them went over the limited baggage allowance, and very few were prepared to pay the penalty. They were going to be gone for 18 months, at least. It was just right to bring everything that could help them bear with homesickness.
Few more minutes later, the whole group was already at the sitting area by the boarding gate, which looked out to the tarmac. The chatter has died now. The ridiculously early call time must have hit most of them. Excitement, no matter how big, can only conquer body clock for so long. For those whose body clock wasn't a problem, there was a different hit.
A plane with a huge Cathay Pacific insignia emblazoned on the side, wheeled towards their designated gate. "Finally!", exclaimed Noel Rayos. All conversations stopped, napping eyes opened, and everyone's head truned to the same direction. It was CX 912, the flight that would hold what was then, the most sensational export the Philippines dealt. Tex Ordonez then said, "Ito na ba iyun? Ito na ba talaga yun? (Is this it? Is this really it?)". She shed a tear. She was going to leave her newborn baby to work, and to be part of something new.
About two hours later, they were at the HK Immigration desks. Some of them, the first ones to get their passports stamped, had to go back and redo the whole process. The immigration officials overlooked their working visas, so instead of a year-long permit, they were given just two weeks to stay as visitors. Gladly, it was HK Immigration that they were dealing with. The procedure was swift and stress-free. Imagine if it happened in Manila.
Shortly after, they were greeted by two chinese ladies, Winnie and May. One was cheerful, plump and quite talkative, while the other was skinny, coy and soft-spoken. They both had their Disney nametags on and were very welcoming. They asked the group to form two files, arranged alphabetically according to surname: one for the males, and one for the females. They were then brought to the private bus that delivered them to Gold Coast Hotel.
It was only lunchtime. Their rooms weren't ready yet, so they all left the hotel lobby to grab their first HK lunch. Some headed straight to McDonald's. It was the safest option. A few immediately went to try the restos that dotted the Gold Coast beach. Others, those who decided to play safe with their budget, opted for Circle K and had the cheapest microwaveable lunch they could find.
It was June 5, 2005. It was the first day of their 18-month gig with Disney in Hong Kong. They were batch 2 of 3 batches of Filipinos in the Opening Cast. Some were excited, some were stupefied. Some were already thinking of shopping, while some were already calculating how much money they'd be able to bring home after 18 months. Some were already homesick, some eager to start a new life. Some would, later on, discover new avenues that Hong Kong would open for them. Some would go home. Some would stay. One of them would find himself getting close to the point of no return. That is today. The major fourth anniversary. The stage at which he will decide whether he will stay until he gets permanent residence, or go back home while it's not too late.
Just last night, he called his boyfriend to say that it felt a bit weird that none of his batchmates organized a get-together to celebrate the anniversary. His boyfriend said that somewhere down the line, people will stop celebrating it anyway. It just happened earlier than he had anticipated. Today, he got a message from his friend, Jojo Mamangun. They shared the same sentiment. He then decided that he will never stop celebrating his HK anniversaries. Because more than the memories of that Sunday morning, more than the disdainly meager first lunch in HK, more than his Disney stint that had already ended to make way for more adventures, more than the financial plans that he has yet to fulfill, June 5 marks something bigger. It is the beginning of something that changed his life in more ways than most people can imagine. It wasn't just a move to Hong Kong. It was a move to a new life.
So, to everyone who was also part of the opening team--- to you who are still here in HK, and to you who are elsewhere; to you who still hold dear the experience we had together and to you who choose to forget it; to you whose opinions about HK have changed, whether for the better or for the worse; to you who have other plans; to you who are now living your other plans; to you who will continue to celebrate your HK anniversaries like me; to you who have already stopped; to everyone who holds a Opening Cast shirt or jacket or Mickey hat, allow me to say, "Happy 4th anniversary!"
If I could, I would stay in all day and write all the entries that I wish to about my trip to Manila. But a girl's gotta work, y'know.
So while I'm bobbing and prancing in the studio, I'm gonna leave you with an intermission number that should keep you entertained until my next blog entry, or the next TD&RS episode, whichever comes first.
Here's Beyonce and her girls performing Susan Fuentes's "Kiniham Ni Lolo". Enjoy, fellas! And thanks, Tita Mike, for sharing.
In 2002, I was called to a conference by the Membership Committee of the Philippine Educational Theater Association (PETA), then headed by Melvin Lee. I had just completed my one year application period and they were ready to promote me to apprentice.
After explaining what was expected of me and what I could expect from the company as a apprentice, Melvin asked if I had any questions.
"Is there any way I could defer my apprenticeship?" I asked. I was joining Ballet Philippines then as a company scholar and if I wanted to make the most of the limited life span of a dancer's career, I had focus all my time and energies to dance. There was no room for extra-curricular. I told them that. I made it clear to the committee that I wanted to dance professionally while I still could physically. But I didn't want to leave PETA.
They understood my predicament. While they wanted to support me in my endeavor, as part of the company, I was expected to be there. If I couldn't, what was the point of being an apprentice?
"What will I do?" I asked the. I was seriously perplexed.
"Would you rather be known as the dancer who can act or the actor who can dance?" Melvin attempted to make it easier for me.
I wasn't able to answer.
Years after that afternoon, I finally decided what I wanted to be known as. When I left Ballet Philippines in 2004, I joined the Actors' Company as a scholar and The Pride Manila Chorus as a pioneer member. I put myself out in the arts scene in Manila and experienced what I could. I was determined to become a triple threat.
It's been 5 years, and I am still not. Whether or not I will get there; whether or not the new priorities I have for myself now can accommodate that dream still; and whether or not I still dream of being that --- I am really not sure now.
But I can't help but wonder, what could have become of me if I had realized this dream when I was 9. Could I have come close to what Mitchel David Federan accomplished at his young age?
To be recognized as a triple threat is a laudable feat in itself; but to own the stage and command the audience's attention and be remembered for that one, single scene that a triple threat will appear on is even more laudable. To be onstage with Hugh Jackman is one thing; but to accomplish all these at the age of 12 is way beyond something.
Busy, was how I had foreseen today would be.
Grocery store errands for tonight (a couple of friends and T are coming for dinner, drinks and most likely, sleepover). Salvia and wildflower seedlings to plant. Glasses to wash (Dan had already washed the others last night). Kitchen rubbish to take out. Make-up shopping for tomorrow's show. Laundry. Kitchen tasks. The hunt f0r the best baguette in town. Phone calls to return. Emails to reply to.
The list could go on. And equipped with my multi-tasking skills, I was pretty sure I could accomplish all of them if I had enough determination.
I still do, but not for all those mundane tasks. I decided, after vacuuming our floor, that I would use that determination to sit still, and be guiltlessly idle. As Paulo Coelho puts it in his reflection, "How To Climb Mountains",
"You must, naturally, always keep in mind your objective-- reaching the top. However, as you climb, the view changes, and there is nothing wrong with stopping now and then to enjoy the vista. With each metre you climb, you can see a little further, so take time to discover things you haven't noticed before."
"Sometimes we encounter things in our path, but because our time has not yet come, they brush past, without touching us, even though they were close enough for us to see them." --Paulo Coelho, "Marked Out To Die"
The dancing.
The spirit.
The person.
A wise man once said, "When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live in such a manner than when you die, the world cries and you rejoice!"
And she did just that.
*video posts lifted from Ida Beltran-Lucila's Multiply page. Thanks for sharing, ate Gen!
