The Swarovskis are currently accepting applications for Julius's replacement. As most of us know, our dear Julius aka Walnut Swarovski, is moving to London in a couple of days to settle down with his partner, Nige. As a result, we have one vacant spot in the Swarovski family.
- has to fit the physical sketch of a typical "Asian hottie" (i.e., is naturally tan; has full and solid pecs, rock-hard abs, tight butt, and fine, black hair; has strong black eyes and luscious lips; is not too tall and not too short; has well-developed lats, delts, biceps and triceps; has disproportionately long arms)
- has to be fun-loving, energetic, dynamic and drama-free
- has to be patient enough to deal with nutmeg's quirks and drama queen-ness especially when nutmeg is in love or is trying to fall in love
- has to be humble enough to deal with coco's mood swings especially when they are left to share a room for more than 6 months
- has to be mature enough to deal with almond's immaturity especially when he's bored and he turns on his ipod
- has to be willing to share his last few dollars when his friends have absolutely nothing
- has to be able to muster enough pride to be part of the Swarovski family
- has to be willing to wear humiliatingly short cut-off jeans and perform "YMCA" in front of a multitude of people he works with
- has to be able to articulate his dreams, regrets and passions and be willing share them to his Swarovski family
- has to be capable of discounting coco's, almond's and nutmeg's flaws in order to let their bond grow and mature
- has to have the heart to love selflessly, give whole-heartedly and accept people unconditionally
- has to be tolerant enough to allow each individual Swarovski to make his own choices in life and learn from them
- has to be appreciative of his friends without being cheesy
- has to be able to know when to tell his friends to stop when his friends are being self-destructive
- has to be loved and admired by our close friends: verna, the sea creatures, the fegis, etc.
- has to be able to confidently, but not conceitedly, stand in a room full of people who fancy him
- has to have mastered his own adobo and shrimp in butter and garlic recipes
If you think you have what it takes to take over the spot of Walnut, email us. Otherwise, don't waste your time and ours. We won't settle for anything less than Julius.
NOTE TO JULIUS: We love you, Julius. We hope you know that. We will miss you terribly. I doubt we will find anyone as good as you to replace you in our hearts.
P.s. Don't call us, we'll call you.
---originally published as "Casting Call: Swarovski #4" on April 27, 2007