Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanksgiving Night

It's Thanksgiving Day.

While other people are gathered with friends and family around the dining table, feasting on sumptuous dishes and that slow-roasted turkey, piling up everything they could in their plates, I am by myself lamenting on my excessively full plate. There's just too much in it right now --- work issues, frustration on people, lovelife drama, finances... Name it, I have it in my plate.

I slept last night with the aid of a pill. That was the only way I could doze off despite the heaviness of my heart and the aberration of my mind. But although it seemed to have worked, it didn't completely overpower the emotional and mental battles I was trying to put off till the morning. I would wake up every hour and my mind would still be running. It was like a never-ending movie that I flaked out on, and forgot to pause. And I'd find still running everytime I open my eyes.

This morning, I woke up way before my alarm went off. I was feeling forlorn. And my mind, like the never-ending movie, was still running like crazy. I got to work and, despite my efforts to put on a happy face, people around me felt something was wrong. A lot of them asked. But it was Thanksgiving and I didn't want to poop on anybody's Thanksgiving spirit. A couple of times, I was aksed whether I was coming to Thanksgiving dinner tonight. I made up excuses. Lots of them. Truth is, I just wasn't in a thanksgiving mood today. I thought there was a lot of resolving to do first before giving thanks. At some point, I asked myself, "What's there to be thankful for?" And as soon as I did, I felt ashamed of myself. It is so not me to dwell in pain, just for the sake of dwelling in pain. The Ryan that I know of, sees the good in any kind of adversity. ANY. Even when everybody else's hopes have failed. The Ryan that I know of is strong and resilient enough to face any scourge and come out a better, wiser, more loving person. The Ryan that I know of knows that every grief, like all else in this world, shall pass; but the lessons he has learned from them will forever be his guiding force.

And this, in itself is big enough to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Some more thanks:
  • Verna (my wife) and Miro - for not giving up on convincing me to go out with them tonight so I can unwind.
  • Rush - my new favorite straight guy; for his unexpected offer to listen
  • Belle - for being my impromptu shock absorber
  • Jesse - for still caring, after all that's been said and done.
  • Adi - for his messages on that never fail to make me smile (and blush.)
  • Kuya Law - for offering a listening ear and a prayer